The Friends We Used to Know
by ikuzonos
Summary: MAJOR ENDGAME NDRV3 SPOILERS! Shuuichi Saihara, Maki Harukawa, and Himiko Yumeno survived the 53rd season of mutual killing, only to wake up and discover they've been in a virtual reality simulation the entire time. The three survivors must cope with the trauma they've endured and hope that their lost friends will awaken too. (Virtual Reality AU)
1. First Breath After Coma

The only notable objects in the office are a grandfather clock that doesn't work, a dejected and unwatered fern, and a motivational poster that is faded with age and displays the words, 'There is hope!'

The wooden table that the four of them are seated at is long and smooth. Saihara runs his hands along the rounded edges, trying to stay calm. It's a simple distraction, and it doesn't take very much effort. Across the table from him, Himiko is folding and unfolding foil candy wrappers mindlessly, and at the far end of the room, Maki is twirling her hair around her fingers. The repetitive actions are their only peace.

On Saihara's immediate left is their psychologist. She's been conducting the group therapy for the past three weeks, though conducting is a strong word. She's the only one who's been talking during their sessions. She's a young woman, only a year or so their senior, but she too has been hardened with experience.

"I know that you're all still recovering," she says carefully, "But we can't make any real progress until the three of you start to open up."

None of them respond to her, but that's hardly a surprise. They barely speak outside of the meeting room as it is, so why should this be any different? The psychologist wears a bright yellow jacket - possibly to give off the impression that she's all sunshine and rainbows - but her carrot orange hair just makes her look like a mess.

She adds, "I know that you don't like talking about the killing game-"

As if on cue, Himiko flinches, Maki freezes in place, and Saihara grips the underside of the table so tight his knuckles go white. Even the thought of the game makes the three of them instantly feel sick. It's even worse than it used to be, now that they're locked inside the studio compound.

When they first escaped from the game, they wandered for days, before eventually holing up in a tiny house in the middle of nowhere. It had been safer there, as the nightmares filtered out of their systems inbetween card games.

Maki was good at Go Fish. Himiko kicked ass at poker. Saihara could occasionally win at Crazy Eights.

But after Team Dangan Ronpa found them, the three were forced to return to the compound that they had just narrowly escaped from. Saihara tries to think the best of people, but he knows that the executives he sees all around are Shirogane's superiors, and that they too are responsible for the deaths of all his friends.

The psychologist has a cheerful disposition, and insists that she cares deeply about the three of them, and he desperately wants to believe her. But this is the same woman who has a photo of Tsumugi Shirogane in her wallet, the same woman who promised the public that the killing games caused no lasting trauma, a gut punching reminder that she's just another member of the team, hired to lie to the rest of them.

"So… if you don't want to talk about the game, that's fine. What I'd like is for you to talk about something, or someone, that made you happy!" she says with a perky smile.

Saihara fixates on her necklace instead. A chunky bulb hangs down on the end of a cord, and it looks like it would be irritating to wear. He had his own years of wearing uncomfortable jewelry, but those were forced onto him by society, so he doesn't really count the experiences.

The same silence that's been covering the room for nearly a month returns, but it breaks much sooner than usual, and not by the canary on Saihara's left.

"Chabashira," Himiko says slowly, drawing out the syllables, "She was kind. She was… redemption. She made me feel like I had a purpose on this plain."

Himiko's words resonate with Saihara in a way that he can't describe, and it makes his stomach twist. _He_ knew a girl like that, _he_ knew a girl who he would have moved earth and sky for, and he had to watch her die in front of him.

The psychologist scribbles that down on her clipboard, clearly pleased at this development. Once she's done, she casts glances at both Saihara and Maki. The raven haired girl doesn't meet their gaze, and Saihara takes a deep breath.

It takes a few tries before he can get her name out. He stumbles over it, afraid to get it wrong. _Fuck_ , he misses her.

"A-Akamatsu-san was my whole world," Saihara whispers, "She was supportive and thoughtful… and she cared so much about everyone else. I think I might have loved her, and maybe it all meant nothing… but it felt real to me."

Three pairs of eyes move to Maki. She grips her hair tightly in her hands, as she chokes out, "I was close with Momota. Being in love with him is a stretch but… I know I cared deeply for him as a friend. He… he sacrificed himself to save my life, something that I didn't deserve."

Tears begin to roll down her cheeks, but she keeps talking. It's rare to see her so emotional, so vulnerable to the world around her.

"Even though I practically killed him, he did everything in his power to keep me alive," Maki hisses, "And I don't get it! He signed up for the show because he _wanted money_! Why would he be so _selfless_?"

Her words leave the room with an earsplitting silence. Saihara applied because he wanted to pull off the perfect crime. Kaede applied because she didn't trust people.

Nobody was the person that they believed they were.

The psychologist scribbles down their words, and says with a smile, "That's good progress. I know it's difficult now, but hey, we got everyone to talk today, and that's a really big step! I'm really proud of you three!"

Saihara wants to believe her, wants to believe that she's not just another cog in the machine, but it doesn't take a detective to see the boredom in her eyes.

"We're out of time now, but I just want to add that you're all doing fantastic!" she says, "You also look much healthier than you were when you arrived here."

Saihara doesn't feel healthy. He feels like death and everyone knows it. The psychologist is just trying to get paid, he reminds himself. Still, it leaves a bad taste in his mouth.

Himiko and Maki get up at the same time, and Saihara follows them. The psychologist calls out, "See you next week!" but none of them reply to her. They don't need to, it's not like she cares.

Saihara goes back to his assigned quarters, looks at the barren walls a few times, then collapses on the stiff bed and cries.

This is routine. This is the normalcy that he has established for himself.

* * *

The sun is setting over the compound, turning the sky a gorgeous orange colour. Saihara looks up at it from the edge of the courtyard, wishing that he could travel with it. Once before, he'd climbed up on the roof before and tried to leave, but the newly established guard towers kept him from getting anywhere.

Saihara loiters around, unsure of what to do with his evening. It's been over a month since the killing game ended, and nothing has really changed.

Sitting on the edge of one of the flowerbeds is Maki. Bored and stressed, Saihara crosses the cobblestone ground to join her. When he sits down, she offers him a cigarette which he instantly turns down.

"You're going to burn your lungs out, Harukawa-san."

Maki scoffs, "What better way to prove that you're alive than to threaten yourself every day?"

It doesn't make any sense to him, but Maki's always been a rather strange person.

Suddenly, she says, "Do you think the doctors were telling the truth?"

Saihara shrugs, "Who knows at this point? For all we know, they're lying just so that they can keep us around for testing."

"Maybe they want the three of us to be on season fifty-four," Maki responds bitterly, taking a long puff of her cigarette.

He rolls his eyes, "What, so you can murder me after the first motive? I wouldn't go back in that game if they gave me a hundred million yen."

"Would you do it for contact with your uncle?" Maki asks.

It feels like a knife to the gut. He hasn't talked to his uncle in god knows how long. There's no contact with the outside world allowed, supposedly for copyright reasons but the truth is obvious. Nobody would want it to be leaked that every survivor was suffering from long lasting psychological damage.

"No," he says at last, "Never again. _Never_. "

Maki says, "Then you're a better person than me. I'd do it all over again, and it wouldn't take much to persuade me either."

Saihara grimaces, "That's messed up, Harukawa-san."

"I never said that it wasn't."

They sit in the painful silence until the sun goes down, and the moon rises over the complex. From where they sit, they can just barely see into the pod room where twelve other people lie in deep comas.

Maki says, "I hear that Yonaga might wake up soon. And… Akamatsu has a good chance of making it too."

Just hearing her name makes Saihara perk up. He tries to squash the feeling - there's a good chance she could be comatose forever - but he can't make himself.

"I'm scared," Saihara admits, "What if they're even more different than we thought? What if… they hate us?"

Maki shrugs, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

A tightness rises out of his chest and runs up to his throat. He can feel his impulse control withering away, and he looks back at Maki, her face illuminated just barely by the sliver of moonlight above.

"Hand me a cigarette," he says.

She passes him the box and a lighter. He lights the paper, inhales the smoke, and laughs. There are twelve people inside that will probably never see the light of day again, so who the hell is he trying to fool with his optimism?

The scent of death has never been so sweet before.


	2. Unwanted Response

Saihara meets his doctor every morning at exactly ten thirty. He gets a quick cursory examination, and then is sent on his day. Recently though, his doctor has been keeping him longer and longer, likely because he's taken up smoking.

He didn't mean to. He knows it's detrimental to his health. But when he's awake at one in the morning from stress and insomnia, lighting a cigarette just helps calm him down. He'll be addicted to the nicotine in no time at all, but Saihara tries to brush it off.

His doctor tries to prescribe him gum so that he'll quit smoking, but Saihara vehemently refuses. It doesn't have the same effect that the dark smoke does. Eventually, his doctor accepts that he's going to be stubborn and sends Saihara on his way.

His doctor furiously writes something down on his clipboard as Saihara leaves the room. Saihara tries not to hate him, but the man yells every word he says, and two hair gelled antennae stick up from his forehead.

He pretends that superficial things like that are the only reasons he hates everyone here, but that's a lie. He hates everyone because they're all liars and murderers, because they slaughter students like it's just a game.

(But to them, it _is_ just a game, right? That's why this has happened fifty-two times before, right?)

Today, Saihara visits the hospital. He signs a few waivers, a sign-in sheet, and then a disclosure agreement. After all that, he's allowed to wander the halls and visit any awake patients.

The hospital is nothing but bright white lights everywhere he looks. The spotless tiles and dusted corners make him feel uneasy, like he's not in the real world anymore. Saihara pulls his hat down over his eyes as he traverses the corridors.

Room 804 is accepting visitors today. Saihara pushes the door open gently, and has to squint because it's somehow even brighter in the individual rooms. The patient looks over to the door from her bed, and a bright smile jumps onto her face.

"Hi! Angie was wondering if she was going to see you today!"

Saihara approaches her bed slowly, and looks down at her, "Hi, Yonaga-san. Are you feeling better?"

Angie was the first one to wake up from her coma, six days ago. She hasn't been allowed to leave the hospital, not until she's been declared 'safe.' She's been restrained to her hospital bed, and it looks hideously uncomfortable. Angie doesn't seem to mind, but she's almost obnoxiously cheerful about everything.

Angie chirps, "She's doing good! Her doctor says that Angie might get to leave soon, and so she might see you at the next group therapy meeting! Angie's very excited to leave but… right now her neck hurts really badly."

Saihara's stomach twists. In the back of his mind, he sees a shadow drive a katana right through Angie's neck. He wonders if she remembers the game. It's never been clear to him.

Angie's never called him by name, so she might not even know who he is.

"I hope you get out of here soon," Saihara responds evasively. He's never liked hospitals, and he hates wards like these. He's done his time in too many of them, and he has few happy memories of them.

Angie beams, "Thank you! Angie hopes that she'll be feeling perfect by her next examination. Kami-san is looking out for her!"

Saihara glances at the clock on the wall. He stalls for a moment, then says, "I should go. Thanks for talking to me, Yonaga-san."

Angie waves as best as she can from her position on the bed, her hospital gown sagging, "Bye!"

Saihara leaves the room with a heavy heart. A very bitter part of him wishes that none of them had ever woken up, not even him. Of course, Saihara's wished that on himself a hundred times before, and it hasn't come true yet.

The hallways are still uncomfortable to walk down, but he makes it to the end of one, and peers into the tiny viewing window. Nobody besides the doctors are allowed into Hoshi's room quite yet. Yesterday evening, he awoke from his coma, only to pass out almost immediately after. From the window, Saihara can just barely see him, curled up on his bed.

He looks strange without his hat.

Saihara watches him for a few minutes more, then backs away from the window. He's left a greasy nose print on it, but he can't be bothered to wipe it away.

Part of his brain says that he should just go back to his room and cry. Then he can try and write down his feelings like his psychologist suggested, even though they always come out as illegible scribbles.

Instead of going back to his room - which is really just a prison cell with a nice view - Saihara goes to the pod room. He's not legally allowed inside, but if he just stands in the doorway, then he's not breaking the rules, right? Right?

The fifteen pods surround the computer system in a semi circle. Most of them are still lit up, and if Saihara looks closely, he can see his friends on the other side of the soft, green glass. Kaede's pod is the closest to him currently, and he stares at her almost longingly.

Her hair has grown long, and her clothes look tight. It's been two and a half months since Saihara woke up, but it feels like a lifetime.

"You're not supposed to be in here," says a voice from behind him. Saihara turns to see one of the scientists, a man with spiky black hair and a brilliant blue lab coat.

"Sorry," he says, "I was just… hoping to get a status update?"

His lie is flimsy, but the scientist appears to believe him, and flips through his clipboard.

(Saihara wonders if everyone who works here has one of those.)

"Well, Toujou-san, Momota-san, and Iruma-san appear to be doing the best at the moment," he replies, "And Akamatsu-san and Gokuhara-san are both showing signs of improvement."

Saihara nods along mindlessly, and looks out at the pods. He wants them to wake up, but he also never wants to see any of them again.

The scientist continues, "Our dear Shirogane-san is doing awful, however. Since both her and Ouma-san were crushed, it appears that they may not wake up at all."

Saihara's fists clench at his sides at the mention of Shirogane. He wouldn't care at all if she died, and it doesn't make him feel guilty at all. She doesn't deserve to wake up, not after everything that she did.

"Was that all you wanted to know?" the scientist asks.

Saihara mumbles a reply and pushes his way out of the room. Tears are brimming in his eyes, and he still has no idea why.

* * *

He sleeps.

Saihara sleeps and sleeps, and when he's not sleeping, he smokes. Rarely, if he's not doing either, he'll cry. He's scared and stressed, and it's become so easy to just hide away from the rest of the world.

He knows that none of them are looking for him. He skipped going to group therapy this week, and nobody asked for him.

Sometimes, he dreams. Dreams of libraries with walls too high, and of girls with hair clips in the shape of music notes. Once or twice he's wished that he could go back in the simulation, if only to see her again, if only to hold her hand in a classrooms with orange lights one more time.

Saihara always wakes with a start, cold sweat mixing with his tears as he remembers that he's still locked up in the studio, that he still has no way home.

One night, he's jolted awake from a peaceful dream - one sitting next to Kaede and watching the stars - by a loud knock on his door. He hisses curses all the way before he opens it, and falls short when he's greeted by Maki.

They stare at each other for awhile, not knowing what to say. Maki's red irises are just as piercing as ever, but Saihara's too tired to be afraid of her any longer.

Eventually, Maki says, "She woke up. Akamatsu, I mean. She's in the hospital right now, and they won't allow her visitors for the next bit, but I thought you'd like to know."

His heart swells, then drops in his chest. Kaede, sweet Kaede, is awake again, but he knows that she's not the person from the simulation, not the person that he fell in love with.

"Thank you," he whispers, suddenly feeling lightheaded. He doesn't even realize that he's collapsed on his floor until he notices that Maki is standing sideways.

He has to see her again, no matter what it takes.

* * *

Two days after he finds out that she's out of her coma, Saihara approaches her hospital room. The plaque on the door states that she's accepting visitors, so he lightly pushes on the handle, and enters.

Kaede is lying on her bed, still strapped to it, but her eyes are open. Saihara assumes that's a good thing and moves closer to her.

"A-Akamatsu-san?" he stumbles.

Kaede looks at him weakly, her expression lackadaisical and tired. Her voice creaks, "You… came to see me?"

He nods, "I wanted to see you as soon as I could. I've missed you so much, Akamatsu-san, and I just… I couldn't _not_ speak to you."

Kaede repeats, "You came to see me? But… why?"

"Because… because we were friends," Saihara says, "In the simulation? Don't you remember me? It's Saihara-"

Kaede's eyes widen a considerable amount, and she bristles, "Get out."

Saihara freezes, "Akamatsu-san?"

"Get out!" Kaede shrieks, " _GET OUT!_ "

He gets out.

* * *

He passes by her room every day for the next week, but he never goes inside. He peers into the one way glass, wondering if he can see her. Sometimes she's sitting up, other times she's asleep. Once or twice, he's peered in to see her in the midst of medical testing, and silently backs away.

Every time that Saihara enters the hospital, he's told at the front desk that he's not allowed into Room 778, even though the plaque states that the patient is accepting visitors. He tries to take it in stride, but he feels tears threaten to burst out when he is told this.

When he's not pacing the hospital or crying in his room, he sits in the cafeteria with Angie. Somehow, he's able to hang around her without wanting to tear his skin off. He knows that he couldn't spend this much time with Himiko or Maki, or Hoshi if he wanted to do anything of the sort.

Angie has taken up finger painting. The studio is quick to provide her with canvases and paints, and her happiness is infectious. Her hands are all different colours of the rainbow right now. Saihara can't tell what she's painting, but it's making her so overjoyed that he can't help but smile a bit as well.

"Hey, Shuuichi," she says one afternoon, "Why are you always hanging out with Angie? She's not complaining, but she didn't think that you liked her very much."

She knows his name now. That makes him feel a little better.

"You're my friend," Saihara says carefully, "Why wouldn't I want to spend time with you?"

Angie shrugs, "Angie thought that Shuuichi would be spending time with Kaede."

Saihara flinches, "Akamatsu-san is… mad at me."

Angie dips her pinky into the green paint, then drags it across her canvas, "Angie talked to her this morning. She was really nice to Angie! What did you do to make Kaede so mad at you?"

Saihara looks at the table helplessly, "I don't know."

"Do you want Angie to talk to her for you?"

Saihara looks back up at her, "You would… do that for me?"

Angie nods cheerfully, "Of course! Angie and Shuuichi are friends, right? Friends help friends!"

Saihara smiles, and Angie reaches out to tap him gently on the cheek. She leaves a big spot of paint behind, but he doesn't mind one bit.

* * *

The next time he sees Angie, it's nine PM the next night. She holds the armrests of her wheelchair tightly as she talks, looking upset.

"Angie talked to Kaede," she says dejectedly, "And Kaede says that she can't ever talk to Shuuichi again, not after betraying him the way she did. Her words, not Angie's."

Saihara feels himself slump, "She didn't betray me… I _want_ to see her! Doesn't she get it?"

Angie replies, "Kaede also says that Shuuichi deserves better than her. She's not the same person she was in the simulation, and she needs him to realize that."

Saihara feels his stomach contort, "Akamatsu-san…" he can't finish the sentence. He doesn't have any words that can express the _despair_ that has grown in his heart.

Finally, he chokes out, "Thanks, Yonaga-san. I appreciate it."

Angie shrugs, "Take care, Shuuichi. Angie needs to get going now."

He waits until Angie has left the room, and then Saihara slumps against the wall, collapsing on the floor. He doesn't go to bed that night, but he does smoke his way through an entire box of cigarettes.

* * *

Kaito regains consciousness.

Saihara doesn't go to see him. They were best friends before, but now? Now Kaito would probably rather die than see him.

* * *

There is a letter on his bed when Saihara returns from group therapy one afternoon.

 _Hospital. Room 778. 5pm. Don't be late._

When he enters the hospital, the receptionist doesn't tell him that he's banned from Kaede's room, and nobody bats an eye as he goes right for the seventh wing.

Kaede is unrestrained and sitting on her bed when he walks in. She gestures to a wooden stool near the wall, and Saihara sits down.

"You… wanted to see me?" Saihara asks.

Kaede nods, and swings her legs, "I feel awful for yelling at you. I'm sorry, I was overwhelmed and upset, but that doesn't excuse my actions."

Saihara says gently, "That's fine, I forgive you! I really-"

She cuts him off, "But I stand by what I told Yonaga-san. You deserve better. I'm not the person that you cared for in the simulation, and I don't think we should be friends now."

Kaede's voice is filled with agony.

Saihara whispers, "Why can't we learn to be friends again? I don't want to leave you behind!"

Kaede responds, "I'm not a good person. I'm sorry, Saihara-kun, but I'm not worth it."

"Even though I-" Saihara breaks off before he can finish the sentence, but his words lie unspoken in the room.

 _Even though I loved you?_

Kaede nods, "I'm sorry. But you should go… and we shouldn't be friends."

Saihara stands, "I'll go… But I can't leave you alone! I will visit you, and we can start over! We'll start slow, and build our way back up. Does… does that sound okay?"

Kaede sniffles, then nods again. He approaches her, then hugs her tightly. Before she can say anything, he lets go, and runs out.

He looks back through the one way glass after closing the door, and see that she's begun to cry again.

Instead of going right back to his room, Saihara finds out Kaito's room number from the receptionist, and then goes to meet with him.

Even if Kaito never wants to speak to him again… he needs to at least try, right? That's what friends are for.


	3. Sensory Overload

Someone has fixed the grandfather clock in the corner of the room. Saihara can't help but sneak glances at it all throughout the meeting, watching the pendulum swing back and forth. It's mindless, and the ticking is annoying as all hell, but it reminds him that he's conscious.

Group therapy is just as tedious as always. Angie and Hoshi have formally joined the group, with the former clinging to Himiko's side, while the latter is sitting to Saihara's right and pointedly not looking at Maki.

Kaede has requested an extra week to recover in her hospital room before she formally joins the others, and Kaito can't stay awake for more than a couple hours at a time. It'll be some time before they come to join the group.

The psychologist taps her pen on the table, "Now that we have an understanding of each other, I'd like to begin an exercise I call mindfulness. Is anyone here allergic to ingredients found in most commercial candy?"

None of them say anything, and she passes out tiny candies wrapped in cellophane. Saihara looks at his, but doesn't move his hand from his lap. Surprisingly, Hoshi picks his up, and twirls it between his fingers.

Like Angie, Hoshi seems to be mostly the same as he was in the simulation. Quiet, bitter, and aloof, he doesn't make any effort to try and talk to the others. Not that he was particularly close to anyone before they woke up. Admittedly, Saihara hasn't tried talking to him either, but he often wonders what the short boy is thinking.

"I want all of you to unwrap this and put it in your mouth," the psychologist says, "Take note of every flavour and texture. I want you to focus on the candy, and _only_ on the candy. Close your eyes if you have to."

Saihara glances around the table. Angie and Himiko have already unwrapped their candies, while Maki looks as if she's going to glare a hole in hers. With a resigned sigh, Saihara unwraps his and puts it on his tongue.

Focusing only on the candy is a difficult task, but he takes notes as the different levels of sweetness change in his mouth. Eventually, he's left with nothing and his eyes flicker open.

Once everyone seems to be done, the psychologist says, "And? How did you feel during this exercise?"

"Angie had trouble thinking about the candy," the artist says, "Her mind kept wandering to other things."

Himiko nods, "Same problem here…"

Maki, Hoshi, and Saihara don't say anything, but it's clear from the other two's expressions that they never even intended to think about the candy.

* * *

Two nights ago, Saihara threw the packets of cigarettes he had into the garbage disposal. Now, his fingers are twitching against the rough sheets, desperate for a smoke. He was trying to ditch the habit before it became a full blown addiction, before the others found him smoking in bathrooms and behind the buildings, like he has already found Maki doing so.

His head pounds, and Saihara slams his eyes shut. Just three more hours until sun up, three more hours until he can bribe one of the interns to get him another pack.

After fifteen minutes of tossing and turning, Saihara kicks off the raggedy quilt, and sits up. Blood rushes right to his head, and an overwhelming sense of dizziness grabs him and chokes him. It takes another five minutes before he can stand.

Most of the studio is closed off at night, but the cafeteria is open twenty-four seven, something Saihara is grateful for. He collapses at one of the tables, his own footsteps too loud. Part of him wants to cry, and part of him is too damaged to even try.

After trying to calm his raging headache, Saihara gets up from the cold metal table, and trudges into the kitchen. At first, he assumes the sizzling sound inside is his own brain frying away, but as it turns out, Hoshi is standing on a stepstool by the stove.

Hoshi turns at the sound of the door hinges squeaking, "Saihara? Can't sleep either?"

Saihara blinks, surprised that he's being acknowledged, then says, "Yeah… I need to just eat something real quick, and then I'll be out of your way."

Hoshi shrugs, "I'm making enough curry for two. Stay awhile, and maybe I'll share."

Neither of them say another word until Hoshi finishes with his curry. He divides it evenly, and then passes a bowl across the counter to Saihara who has been slipping in and out of reality for the past ten minutes.

Saihara's hands are still too shaky for chopsticks, so he uses a fork to eat. It's good curry, and he devours it in a matter of minutes. When he's done, Hoshi is only halfway through his own. Face hot from embarrassment, Saihara quickly takes his bowl to the sink, hoping that Hoshi won't make too big a deal out of it.

When he returns, Hoshi says, "I figured only Yorick could like my cooking that much. Guess I was wrong… again."

Saihara raises an eyebrow, "Who's Yorick?"

Hoshi's cheek twitches. He points a chopstick at Saihara's throat and hisses, "I'll show you. But breathe a word to anyone and I'll rearrange your dental work."

Saihara gulps and nods shakily, unsure of what he's just gotten himself into. He had a habit of screwing things up in the simulation, and it seemed that that was returning here in the real world.

Mystified, Saihara follows Hoshi out of the kitchen and back up to the rooms. Hoshi's room looks just like his own, only smaller.

"Yorick?" Hoshi says in a voice softer than anything Saihara's ever heard before, "I've brought a guest."

Something on Hoshi's bed moves. On second glance, it's a cat, small and calico. Hoshi walks up to it, and lights scratches it behind the ears.

Saihara blinks, "Where did you get a _cat_ from?"

Hoshi huffs, "Interns are easily bribed. Especially if they're students. Got one to bring her from home the other day."

Saihara says, "She's… very cute."

Hoshi cracks a tiny smile, "Isn't she? She's an angel."

Yorick purrs. Saihara doesn't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but he finds himself smiling too, "Can I pet her?"

"Only if you're gentle," Hoshi says, "She's a fragile little thing."

Saihara replies, "I promise I will be."

Yorick has very soft fur, it turns out. Saihara almost expresses this out loud, then spots the numerous cat brushes on Hoshi's floor and decides against it.

Saihara stays in Hoshi's room until the sun comes up. When he finally does leave, parting as perhaps unlikely friends, he realizes that he doesn't need a box of cigarettes anymore.

* * *

The words spread through the studio like wildfire. Only three words, but they provoke a large variety of emotion. Most are joyous, others are angry. Still, others are apathetic, and the rest are terrified.

Saihara's with Kaito when he hears this. The astronaut clenches his fists angrily, and Saihara feels his heart stop beating.

Just when things were getting better. Just when Saihara was certain that he would recover.

" _Shirogane is awake!"_

He laughs. Then his laughter turns to tears, and he throws up on the floor.


	4. Misotheism

**(Misotheism is the "hatred of God" or "hatred of the gods" (from the Greek adjective μισόθεος "hating the gods", a compound of μῖσος "hatred" and θεός "god"))**

* * *

Normally, all visitors are escorted out of the hospital by eleven at night, but it's eleven thirty and Saihara is still inside. Either the security guards haven't gotten all the way to the seventh wing yet, or they're all too busy celebrating Shirogane's return to the waking world.

Just thinking about her makes Saihara feel sick again.

An hour ago, he was forced to leave Kaito alone as it was time for his nightly check up, despite the fact that his friend was screaming at the doctors to allow Saihara to stay. From what he could tell, Kaito was just as upset that Shirogane was awake now.

Saihara bites down on his lip, and feels blood leak into his mouth. He slams his palm against the wall, feeling faint. Maybe if he dies right here, he won't ever have to think about Shirogane again. Him dying would be for the best, anyways. He's always believed that.

His stomach lurches again. Saihara wills himself not to throw up, but he can feel the hot bile rising up. He grabs his head and slams his eyes shut, but he just feels even sicker than before. His eyes flicker open, and he has to squint again because _nobody_ will turn down the brightness. He still feels queasy, like his stomach is doing backflips.

He takes a clumsy step forwards.

The door to Kaede's room is at the end of the hallway he's standing in. Saihara stumbles towards it, his heart in his throat and his lungs on fire. He clumsily knocks a few times, then pushes open the door when he hears a response from inside.

Kaede sits up when she sees him, "S-Saihara-kun? You look awful!"

Saihara looks at her, looks at her with haunted eyes, and sees his distressed reflection in her pupils. He takes a few shaky breaths, his mind running at speeds faster than he could dream of moving at. Eventually, he chokes out, "Shirogane woke up."

Instantly, Kaede's expression of concern for him changes into one of fear, "N-No! Why _her?_ Why _now?_ "

Saihara runs his hands through his hair. He has no good memories of Shirogane, not even one. Whenever he thinks of her, all he can see is her with her hands on her hips, cackling as she reveals herself as the mastermind behind their predicament. (All he can see is her bashing Amami over the head with a bowling ball, even though he wasn't present for this part.)

He realizes that Kaede is crying.

Saihara sits next to her on her bed, and she wipes her eyes. He hesitates, then leans over and hugs her tightly. Kaede sniffles a bit, but grabs onto his arm and doesn't let go.

Under her breath, Kaede asks, "Did she really kill Amami-kun?"

"Yes," Saihara hisses, "And she executed you for it… You didn't deserve that. Do you… not remember?"

Kaede whispers, "I only have memories from up until I… died. I just overheard the producers talking about her and… and…" she breaks off, tears rolling down her cheeks again.

Saihara pulls her closer, and Kaede rests her head on his shoulder. She graciously avoids touching his chest, but Saihara doesn't remember if he ever told her or not.

He doesn't leave her room until morning, when a doctor arrives to check on Kaede, and shoos him out in the process.

* * *

Group therapy is cancelled that week. Officially, it's because the psychologist running the group is busy looking after one of the other studio employees who's in critical condition, but Saihara saw her passed out in the bathroom, and later hung over. It's yet another sick reminder that she, like everyone else, practically worships Shirogane, and doesn't give a shit about their mental health.

The time that Saihara would normally spend with the group is spent in the hospital, like he spends nearly all of his time now. Angie is with him today, rolling down the corridors in her wheelchair at the speed of sound, and trying to keep the mood high.

After painting Kaito's entire face with watercolours, Saihara and Angie leave him alone. He'll be moving out of the hospital in a matter of hours, and even though he's just moving to a darker cell with a view, Kaito's excited. Kaede has already gotten moved into her new room, and Room 778 is empty again.

They uselessly wander the halls, until Angie points to a door and says, "Oh! This is where Tsumugi is! Angie wants to see her!"

Saihara bristles and stops in his tracks, "We're not going to see her. I never want to see her again."

Angie swivels around, "W-Why not? Angie thought Shuuichi would like to see Tsumugi…"

Saihara clenches his fist and spits, "Why the _hell_ would I _ever_ want to see her? She's working with the people who threw us in that shitty game… she murdered our friends!"

Angie tilts her head, "But Angie heard that everyone was brainwashed! Shouldn't that include Tsumugi? Maybe she's not so bad!"

"Do you think I care?!" Saihara shouts, "It doesn't matter, because she still _works for these people!_ She planned out the murders, she manipulated all of us! Shirogane is a _monster!"_

Angie sniffles, "Doesn't she deserve a chance?"

Saihara growls, "No chance in hell. She did all of this to us! She's the one who really murdered Amami-kun! She's the reason that Akamatsu-san died for _nothing!"_

Tears well in Angie's eyes, and roll down her cheeks, "S-Shuuichi…"

Saihara pushes past Angie, and heads for the exit.

 _I hope that she chokes in her sleep._

* * *

The kitchen is a wondrous place to be at night. Hoshi is there again tonight, eating more curry. Yorick is sitting on the counter next to him, eating from her own bowl.

When Saihara enters, Hoshi nearly screams, then relaxes substantially at the sight of him, "I thought you were a guard."

Saihara doesn't say anything in response, and trudges over to the cupboards.

Hoshi whistles, "You look like death, Saihara."

"I feel like it too," he replies, not taking his eyes off of the wooden cupboards. He doesn't know what he's looking for, not quite yet.

Hoshi slides a bowl of curry and a fork towards him, "Eat."

"That's yours," Saihara protests.

Hoshi replies, "I can't eat it all. Get something in your stomach before you pass out on me."

Saihara reluctantly complies, and eats slowly. He does feel better once he's eaten, but the same thoughts are still in the back of his head. He moves to the sink, and washes his dish.

On the edge of the sink, he finds what he's been looking for, and silently slips it into his pocket.

A carving knife.

* * *

From his room, if Saihara opens the window, he can just barely see the ground. If he jumped from that height, he would die for certain. Of course, he can't do that, not with the long, metal bars across his window.

He assumed that all the rooms had windows like that, but Kaede's, Angie's, and Kaito's are normal. It's only him and Hoshi that are stuck with the bars.

It's to keep them alive. The studio knows they're both at risk for doing something that can't be fixed by a lying psychologist. It makes Saihara wonder if they've seen his hospital records, and he shudders, knowing that the wrong name is on every certificate.

It's not like he'd jump, anyways. There are lots of cleaner, easier ways to go out. Jumping leaves time for second guessing. A rope does not.

Saihara lies awake for hours, his thoughts jumbled, and tries to focus on better things.

* * *

He's in the library again. The prison school is quiet in these late hours, with the bears hidden away, and the other students fast asleep in their rooms.

Saihara can't sleep. He can never sleep. Not with the shadows that creep up the walls and paint his room into something from his childhood nightmares.

So instead, he's curled up on the floor, reading book after book. He needs more knowledge, no, he craves it. He has to read if the sixteen of them have a chance of escaping from the academy.

Kaede Akamatsu believes in him without question, just because he's recognized as a detective, just because he follows her around all day. So, he needs to give her a _reason_ to believe in him. He has to.

At half past two, he gets up, and pulls a few more books off of one of the shelves. He needs to keep reading, he's so focused on making sure they can dig their way out of the school, that he almost doesn't notice when the bookshelf swings open, revealed a two-toned door.

Saihara drops the books on his feet, but he doesn't make a sound. All he can think of now is what Kaede will say.

She'll be proud of him. She'll believe in him. That's what matters now.

* * *

It's still dark when Saihara leaves his cell. His pockets feel heavy, but his heart does not. The hospital is closed now, but it won't be hard to sneak past the security. He knows their routes by now.

As he passes Kaede's room, he freezes. He knows that she's fast asleep, that he can't bother her, but the thought has already run through his head.

Would she approve of what he plans to do? Would she still be willing to believe in him? She's not the same person that she was in the simulation, but he's not either, and both of them know it.

"If I don't come back," he whispers to the door, "Please remember that you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me."

It's not closure. He's talking to a hunk of metal, and Kaede has no idea of what he's going to do now.

He leaves for the hospital.

It's easy from there. The guards follow the same routes, and he just stays a hallway behind them at all times. Finding Shirogane's room is no trouble at all.

The blue haired cosplayer is sitting up on her bed when he enters. She smiles at him sweetly, and Saihara glares at her.

"Oh, Saihara-kun!" she says cheerfully, "Have you come to kill me?"

Saihara thinks of the carving knife tucked into his pocket, and of how easy it would be to plunge it into her throat. Then he thinks of what Kaede would say. His hands don't move.

Shirogane says, "I've already received six death threats today, but I don't mind a seventh. Come to tell me that I'm a hideous monster who unjustly murdered your girlfriend? I know that already."

Saihara can't bringing himself to speak. Something about her demeanor makes interaction impossible.

She continues, "Even if you tried to blame the fact that I brainwashed myself… I've still been working here for the past four years. The studio as a whole is responsible for the deaths of about eight hundred people. Though really, you should blame the higher ups. They have more blood on their hands than I ever will."

Saihara pulls the knife from his pocket, and points it at her, "S-Shut up!"

Shirogane yawns, "Is that all you're going to say? For someone who was so well spoken during the simulation, you're quite the disappointment. But that's to be expected, I suppose. Some man you turned out to be."

Saihara can't tell if she means that last comment the way he heard it, but it makes his whole self shake with rage. He thrusts the knife right into her head, but she moves just in the nick of time, so that it's slammed into the drywall.

"You're just a little boy, Saihara-kun," Shirogane whispers, as he tugs the knife out, "You can't even commit a simple murder!"

"Shut up," he hisses, "You don't know _anything_ about me."

She laughs, "Oh, but I know your entire life story, forwards and back. I could tell you anything you wanted about your parents, or your _uncle-"_

His knuckles are stinging, and her glasses are broken. Probably because he punched her in the face.

He backs away from her, the knife in one hand, and his other fist closed in pain. But instead of calling security, or yelling, or _something,_ Shirogane removes her glasses, and stares at him blankly.

"What do you want?" he whispers.

Shirogane replies, "Put that knife away, and I'll talk. Maybe we can come to… some kind of understanding. But you have to be willing to listen to me."

Saihara doesn't care what Shirogane thinks. In his head, he tells her this and storms out. In his head, he kills her like he came here to do.

In his head, he doesn't put down the knife, lean against the wall, and say, "Okay. I'm listening."


	5. How Strange, Innocence

He doesn't find this out until the next morning, but the only reason that Saihara gets away with sneaking into the hospital and threatening Shirogane is because the security team was too busy keeping an eye on Gonta, who had woken up during the night.

Saihara listens, listens to Shirogane talk all night. He can't figure out why, and all the time, his mind screams at him that he has to go. The more he listens, the more Saihara feels himself detaching from his body. It's no wonder that the entire team worships Shirogane anymore. Something about her is just so _captivating_ , and he can't turn his head away.

When she's done, it's fifteen minutes after three in the morning, and Saihara has never felt more delirious in his life. He leaves her without speaking, not even bothering to pick up the knife that is now probably in her possession. If Saihara had been in his right mind at the time, there was no way he would have left it behind, but there are no 'ifs' left for him. Not anymore.

Mindlessly, Saihara wanders the hospital. He doesn't know who or what he's looking for, only that he has to get as far away from Shirogane as possible. His subconscious doesn't want to though, because he keeps walking up to her room, again and again. Once or twice, he puts his hand on the knob, before violently jerking away.

Eventually, Saihara makes his way to the entrance. The receptionist hasn't arrived at the counter yet, a blessing for him. He gets out the same way that he came in, through a gap in between the caging and the wall that hasn't been fixed.

His body moves on autopilot, heavy and exhausted. He can't remember how long it's been since he's had sleep. The next time that Saihara consciously makes a movement, he's knocking on one of the doors to a private room. There's no response, and Saihara realizes that he has no clue whose room he's at. For all he knows, it's his own room that he's uselessly banging on.

He knocks again, harder, his already bruised knuckles hitting the metal with surprise force. This time, Saihara receives a response, weak and dry as it is.

"Door's unlocked."

The voice belongs to Kaito. Saihara doesn't know if that's good or bad, but he pushes the door open anyways.

Kaito is sitting on the floor, looking up at a screen on the wall. Saihara frowns. There's nothing like that in the other rooms, so what's special about-

He looks up at the screen, and realizes that it's showing the last trial from the simulation. Saihara freezes in the doorway.

Kaito says blankly, "I asked them… for a copy of this season. I thought maybe… it would help with my memories."

It's then that Saihara notices a stack of DVD cases on the floor next to Kaito, three feet high.

"They gave me more than that," Kaito adds, still staring at the screen, still watching as Shirogane rapidly changes costumes in front of their eyes.

The shot cuts to Saihara himself, and the sight of himself makes him sick. His avatar in the simulation looks like him, but at the same time, there's something _wrong_ , and he can't put his finger on it. It hits him when the camera pans back to him on a closeup - his body is different.

He's taller, his hips are smaller, and his shoulders are broader. Saihara stares at his avatar in disbelief, wondering how he never noticed that while in the simulation. He supposes that at the time, he was more focused on the fact that the others were dropping like flies.

"Why did she do it?" Kaito asks, "I knew Shirogane did this to us, but _why?_ She was so nice to us."

Saihara kicks the ground absently, "She didn't care for us at all. All she wanted was to keep the audience entertained."

(That's not entirely true and Saihara knows it, but he won't let himself think about Shirogane anymore tonight.)

It hits him that his uncle probably watched the show. Saihara clutches his stomach.

Kaito tears his eyes away from the screen, and looks over at him, "Close the door. Come and… sit with me."

Saihara does so, and collapses in a heap next to Kaito. He's glad that he still has his hat, and he can't fathom for the life of him why he ditched it in the simulation. He tugs it down over his face, so he doesn't have to see their faces, any of them.

At half past five, he falls asleep. The last he knows, Kaito has put on another season, desperately looking for his memories, despite knowing that he won't find them among the sea of people fated to die.

* * *

Gonta isn't allowed visitors for the first bit. According to a rumor that Angie passed on, he tried to strangle the first doctor that came within arms reach of him, then profusely apologized right after.

So of course, when Saihara finally goes to visit him, he feels trepidation creep up his throat from his stomach. Still, he makes himself push open the door.

(If he can visit Shirogane, he can survive anything.)

Gonta is heavily restrained to his bed, but he's able to turn his head to look at Saihara. His expression is neutral, but that doesn't ease the tension in Saihara's shoulders. He carefully walks up to Gonta's bed, and manages a small greeting.

"Hi."

God, he sounds so stupid.

(But of course, he was always stupid, wasn't he? He was always such a _stupid little child_ wasn't he?)

"Hi," Gonta replies quietly, "You look like hell."

Saihara blinks once, then rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. He supposes that his sleep schedule has taken a turn for the worse - many nights go by where he doesn't sleep at all.

He realizes that Gonta is looking at him for a response, and says, "We all do."

"Wouldn't know," Gonta says, "You're the first person to come see me."

He doesn't use third person anymore, Saihara notes. It doesn't surprise him that the others have avoided him - the rumour Angie had passed was a bad one - but Saihara tries to act like this is news to him, "Really? I thought that you'd be flooded with visitors."

 _Laying it on a little thick, Shuuichi. Stop that._

Gonta laughs bitterly, and it quickly turns into a cough, "You're such a shit liar, Saihara. How you made it through the trials is a mystery to me."

Saihara rubs his neck again, "Ah…" he says awkwardly.

He was never very close to Gonta. He doesn't know why he's here.

(It's because Gonta was _nice,_ and it's not like he can avoid him either - he went to see _Shirogane_ of all people, so now he has to visit everyone, no matter what.)

"Momota-kun's awake," Saihara says, trying to fill the space, "You two were friends, right?"

Gonta huffs, "Were. Neither of us are the people from the simulation… and I don't want to talk to him. Not now."

Saihara kicks himself.

(Why, why would he say something like that? He's so _stupid stupid stupid stupid-)_

Gonta suddenly asks, "Does Iruma hate me?"

Saihara shrugs, "I can't say for sure, since she's still in a coma, but I don't think she would. I mean, it was an accident."

"I still can't remember that," Gonta says quietly, "I have most of my memories from the simulation, and they keep mixing with my real ones, which is really fucking annoying, but I can't remember that bit at all."

Saihara doesn't know what to say to that.

Gonta seems to realize this as well, "You should probably go. Thanks for coming."

"Bye," Saihara says awkwardly. Then he leaves.

(All he's good at is following instructions oh god he's not even really a person is he is he _is he-)_

* * *

Saihara pushes his way into the cafeteria, not sure if he's hungry or just distressed. There's a few people inside already, but not many. He spots Kaede, and makes a start towards her, then stops.

She's sitting next to Maki, clearly deep in conversation. Both of them seem engaged in whatever they're currently talking about, and haven't even looked towards the door. There's a spark in Kaede's eyes, one that he hasn't seen since the simulation. She looks so _happy_ talking to Maki, and it's the best that she's been since she woke up.

He wants to cry.

Angie and Himiko are sitting together on the other end of the cafeteria. Saihara goes over towards them, and he doesn't look at Kaede, or at her smile, and he _definitely_ doesn't almost start crying on the way.

"Hi, Shuuichi!" Angie says brightly, "Angie thinks it's nice to see you!"

Himiko smiles slightly, "Hi there."

Saihara forces himself to smile along, "Nice to see you guys too. Sorry, was I interrupting?"

"Angie was telling Himiko all about Angie's island!" Angie replies, "Does Shuuichi want to listen too?"

Despite already knowing more than enough about the island Angie supposedly comes from, he nods, "I'd love that."

Angie beams, "Kami-san will be so pleased!"

Saihara tries to focus on the nightmare-esque tales that Angie tells, tries to think about _anything_ besides Kaede and Maki's conversation, but only succeeds in making himself feel ill. He excuses himself halfway through Angie's story about marriage, and just manages to it all the way back to his room before he pukes in the trash can.

It's only then that he realizes that the island Angie talks about might not even be real.

* * *

Shirogane doesn't come to group therapy with the rest of them that week, despite being out of the hospital. Nobody mentions that, despite all being aware of it.

Saihara's glad she's not there.

Still, he keeps looking towards the far end of the table, where Kaede and Maki are sitting together, and his heart lurches every time.

After the session, Kaito whispers to him, "Having the same problem I am?"

"What?"

"Harumaki doesn't want to talk to me," Kaito says, still using the strange nickname that he did in the simulation, "And now she's all up and up with Akamatsu-san."

Saihara nods regretfully, "She… hasn't wanted to be around me lately. I went to see her yesterday, but she said she already had plans… probably with Harukawa-san, now that I think about it."

There's a bitter taste in his mouth.

Kaito swings an arm around him, "Well, at least we've got each other! Brothers stick together, even in the face of defeat!"

Saihara can't tell how much of Kaito's upbeat mood is fabricated, so he smiles along, trying to ignore the sinking sensation in his stomach.

(At least his mind is off of Shirogane.)

* * *

At night, though, Saihara can't get his mind off of her.

" _When I was eleven, I saw Dangan Ronpa on television for the first time, and was instantly captivated."_

He isn't sure why. He hates Shirogane more than anyone else he's ever known, and he hates a lot of people.

" _These people had volunteered to die for entertainment! It was such a surprise for me. I got into the show so quickly, entranced by the students who were willingly giving their lives up."_

Maybe it's because he hates her. The brain has a funny way of working.

" _Enthralled by it, I began delving deeper. When I was thirteen, I began helping out at the studio. Mundane things such as fetching coffee at first, but then, one of the higher ups discovered my sewing abilities. They signed me on immediately."_

Saihara tosses and turns in his room, unable to sleep. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees her face again.

" _I showcased my talent well. They made me executive producer of the past few seasons, and in this one, they actually allowed me to participate too! It was so exhilarating, I couldn't describe it!"_

He knows he's going to be sick again, and he scrapes his sharp nails against his skin, hoping it'll provide some relief but oh god he needs a smoke and he needs a _knife and-_

" _Is that it?" Saihara snaps, "That's your excuse for everything you've done?"_

He grips his blanket so tight that it rips.

" _It's not an excuse. We simply live in a world where people die on television for fun. But I have nothing more to say. Goodbye, Saihara-kun."_

When morning comes, Saihara wanders to the shower in his tiny bathroom, shakily tears off his clothes, and shivers. His body is still all wrong and he doesn't know why he ever expects it to be different.

He turns on the shower, steps into the stream, and cries so hard that he screams. He doesn't come out for the rest of the day, not even long after the water has turned ice cold.

He's not safe. Not today.


	6. Stay Another Hour

The conference room where group therapy is usually held smells like avocados.

As far as Saihara can tell, nobody likes them that much, so it's unlikely to be coming from a person in the room. He tries to brush it off, but the scent lingers.

(Maybe it's a sign that Amami is going to wake up soon. Saihara wishes that he could kick the part of his brain that came up with that thought.)

Shirogane still hasn't come to a session, even though she's been out of the hospital for three weeks now. It's as if she's decided that she won't be interacting with anyone, unless they come to her.

Saihara thinks that it's better that way.

The psychologist knocks on the table a few times, forcibly grabbing their attention. She gives them all her million dollar smile, and Saihara grimaces.

"I have a little exercise for you all!" she says, "I want each of you to tell me one interesting fact about your best friend!"

Angie is the only person in the room who doesn't tense up instantly.

Saihara's mind begins racing instantly. There are two people in the entire world that he could consider his best friend - _maybe_ three. One of them is sitting on Hoshi's other side, tapping his fingers wildly on the table, and the other is still in the pods, still deep in her coma.

Angie waves her arms in the air. When the psychologist points to her, she says, "Angie's best friend is a mage! Angie thinks that she's super cool!"

Himiko smiles, but her shoulders go even tenser at the same time.

(None of their talents are real, and Saihara always forgets this. Part of him is glad he's not the only one, and the rest of him feels ill.)

Himiko goes next, then Gonta. It goes all the way around the table, but Saihara stops paying attention. His mind is too busy focusing on everything else. He doesn't snap out of it until he hears Hoshi's deep voice from next to him.

"She was the only one who would eat my cooking for years," he says vaguely, but Saihara knows who he's talking about.

He's up now, and Saihara awkwardly clears his throat. He searches desperately for a harmless memory, and eventually settles on a simple one from a long time ago.

"When we were twelve, she saved me from being beat up by a duck," Saihara says, chuckling quietly. He can still remember it, remember the fear coursing through his body as the cacophonous quacking drew closer to him.

Kaito splutters, "How did you almost get beat up by a _duck?"_

Saihara looks away awkwardly, "We went to a farm, and the ducks were more violent than I thought."

He remembers her running after the duck at top speed, her pigtails flying out behind her, and tackling the duck to the ground. He smiles again at the thought of it, then sighs softly. It was such a long time ago, and for all he knows, she probably doesn't remember.

Tenko didn't even recognize _him_ when they met in the simulation.

The psychologist says, "Good! I'm glad we're all becoming more open. There's one other thing I'd like to inform you of, before we let out for today. When all fifteen of you are awake, your families will be allowed to come visit you!"

Uproar breaks out in the room. There's overjoyed shouts from almost everyone, but Hoshi, Maki, and himself stay quiet. What the psychologist fails to inform them, is that Ouma is predicted to never wake from his coma, as the simulation had no way of accounting for the use of the hydraulic press.

It's been nearly five months since the game ended, and six of them are still asleep. Saihara clutches his fist tightly, and tries not to think about his uncle, his uncle who willingly let him sign up for a reality show where he could have _died._

Luckily, the psychologist lets them go before he can think too much. Saihara wonders why he comes here for two hours a week, because all it does is spike his anxiety and make him want to cry.

* * *

There's a knock on Saihara's door that night. He kicks off his now torn blanket, and opens the door, faking a yawn.

"Can I come in?"

On the other side is Kaede, looking nervous and distressed. Saihara stares at her, all pretenses of sleep dropped, "Akamatsu-san? Is that you?"

Kaede looks at him, a haunted look in her eyes, "What do you think? Can I come in or not?"

Saihara moves his jaw uselessly, then nods and moves to let her inside.

Kaede looks into his eyes, something in her gaze making him nervous. He stares back at her, not sure what she's trying to accomplish. Suddenly, her eyes begin to water, and she lunges at him.

She hugs him tightly around the shoulders, and cries. Saihara can't really do anything besides awkwardly pat her lower back, as his arms are all but pinned to his side.

When she breaks the hug, she holds his wrists and looks him in the eyes again. She's still crying, and she's shaking in place, "S-S-Saihara-kun?" she whimpers.

Saihara replies, "I'm here. What's wrong… can I help?"

Kaede closes her eyes, but tears still pour out, "I k-know I said that w-we shouldn't be friends, and I know I've b-been avoiding you, but I r-really need a friend right now."

"What about Harukawa-san?" Saihara says, then instantly regrets it.

Kaede mumbles, "Her and I w-weren't friends in the simulation… I k-know we're not the same people, but I know that y-you cared so m-much for me, even a-after I d-d-died."

Saihara gently pulls one of his hands from her grip, and lightly strokes her face, "Do you want to talk? I'm here to listen to you."

"I don't w-want my father to s-see me," Kaede whispers, "Not a-after I killed someone."

Saihara says, "But you didn't kill anyone! You were entirely innocent-"

"No I wasn't!" Kaede shouts, "I still s-set up that trap! I'm just as much at fault as Shirogane…"

Saihara pulls her into a tight hug, "You've got that wrong. You were just trying to save everyone, and you're _nothing_ like her."

Kaede's sobs become unintelligible.

They sit on Saihara's floor, occasionally talking about something - Angie's new paintings or Himiko's attempted magic tricks - anything but about their families. Kaede eventually falls asleep on his shoulder, her fingers intertwined with his own.

* * *

Spending time with Hoshi is easy, because neither of them really need to talk. Saihara reads, Hoshi brushes Yorick, and then can do this for hours without boredom.

One afternoon, Hoshi asks, "Hey… What happened to Kiibo? I've been meaning to ask."

Saihara's fingers go tight, "He… He sacrificed himself to end the game. He stopped Shirogane… he was the reason that any of us woke up."

"Hmph," Hoshi mutters, "Figures that he'd do something selfless."

The conversation stops there, and Saihara doesn't think anything more of it until a few days later, when a staff member arrives in his room, hands him a tablet, and then leaves without a single word.

There's a sticky note on the tablet that reads _Share me_. Saihara peels it off and shakes it to the floor, then sits on his mattress and turns it on.

First, there's nothing but a pale green light. Then, Kiibo's face appears on the screen, and Saihara throws the tablet.

Luckily, it lands on the mattress, but Kiibo still yells out, and Saihara yells back. It takes a minute for them to stop, but even when Saihara manages to calm down, his heart still thumps like it's come to pop out of his chest. He crawls towards the tablet and picks it up, his hands shaking.

Kiibo says, "Saihara-kun? Is that you?"

"H-Hi," Saihara says, "I'm sorry, I was startled."

Kiibo smiles, "That's fine! It's wonderful to see you again! I wanted to contact the rest of you sooner, but I haven't been allowed."

Saihara raises an eyebrow, "You haven't? Why not?"

Kiibo replies, "Copyright and disclosure reasons, according to the studio. But now that confidentiality has been dropped, I can speak to you all! How have you been doing, Saihara-kun?"

Saihara stares blankly at Kiibo for a few seconds, unsure of how to respond, "I… don't know."

Kiibo says, "That is understandable. From what I can discern, this season caused more trauma than any of the producers could have ever expected."

"The producers are _idiots,"_ Saihara croaks, silent tears running down his face.

"Yes," Kiibo says, "Yes they are."

* * *

Amami wakes up on a quiet afternoon, in the midst of an _UNO_ tournament. Everyone is playing - sans Shirogane, who's more of a cryptid than anything else now - even Maki and Hoshi, both of whom had to be heavily persuaded. Saihara isn't sure who's winning, but he's having a surprising amount of fun.

Just as Gonta plays an evil _Draw Four_ card on Kaito - causing the latter to curse heavily - Kiibo's tablet turns on.

"Wonderful news!" Kiibo declares, "Amami-san has awoken from his coma!"

There's a generally pleasant consensus all around. None of them had reason to hate Amami, but none of them really had a chance to _know_ him all that well either.

Kaede's fingers grip her cards so tightly that they turn white. Then she drops them on the floor and runs out of the room. Saihara calls out after her, but she doesn't respond.

Nobody says a word, or even moves a muscle, until Gonta grunts, "Red," and Kaito begrudgingly draws four cards.

The game continues, but the lighthearted nature of it all has vanished, and Saihara excuses himself the second that Himiko claims victory.

* * *

When Amami was finally allowed visitors, Saihara had volunteered to go with her. Kaede however, had insisted that she go alone, saying that it was an apology that she had to make by herself.

Saihara had waited a day, just to be safe, and then gone to see Amami himself. If anyone looks like absolute shit, Amami is absolutely the worst. Hideous dark circles surround his eyes, mirroring Saihara's own. Amami is also horrifically thin, as if he is a mere stick, wasting away.

His eyes flicker open for a moment, then almost instantly close again, "Hi…" he murmurs.

"Hey, Amami-kun," Saihara replies, "It's nice to see you again."

Amami whispers, "We know each other? Huh… That's what the girl said too."

Saihara blinks, "Of course we know- 'The girl?' Do you mean Akamatsu-san?"

"Was that her name?" Amami asks, "I couldn't tell you."

Saihara stares at him, unsure of what to say next. Amami's clearly delirious, and he sounds like he just swallowed a bag of rocks. He takes a step back, and looks around Amami's barren hospital room, trying to find words that make sense.

Eventually, he says, "I'm Shuuichi Saihara. We were both on the fifty-third season of _Dangan Ronpa._ Do you remember that?"

Amami groans, "N-No… I just… I can't…"

Saihara says, "Listen, you should probably sleep. I'll leave you be-"

"NO!" Amami screams, and violently shoots up. It's only now that Saihara realizes that he isn't restrained to his bed. Amami grabs his arm, and shakes him.

"W-What is it?" he asks.

Amami stares deep into his eyes, his expression wild, "You can't leave me! You have to stay, you have to _stay!_ "

Saihara tries to pull away, but the other boy has an iron grip.

"Don't leave me!" Amami screeches, " _Don't leave me like they did!"_

"I'm not going to-"

Amami screams louder, "DON'T LEAVE ME LIKE THEY DID!"

His screams turn to howls, as he holds onto Saihara's wrist so hard that it begins to cut off the circulation. He tries to pull away, but all Amami does his tighten his hold.

Saihara doesn't break away until a nurse bursts in and separates them. He scrambles backwards, clutching his bruised wrist, and fear growing in his eyes. Amami thrashes, and Saihara's stomach churns, and he _runs and runs and runs away._

He doesn't go to see Amami again.


	7. Ocean of Stars

Kirumi Toujou awakens on the day that the trees first begin to shed their leaves. It's about two weeks into September, if Saihara's math is right. At this point though, he can't really remember. They've all been locked up for so long that the days blur together.

After his morning meeting with his doctor, Saihara goes to the hospital. Kirumi has recovered from her general delusions rather quickly, only a day after coming out of her coma. As time goes on, recovery seems to be speeding up a bit, but of course, Amami is the outlier to Saihara's theory.

The green haired boy is still in no better shape. Whenever he's conscious, he's either a useless amnesiac, or screaming his head off. Angie - who seems to be the best source for gossip - says that he's been moved into an intensive care unit, so he can be monitored at all hours. Apparently, his trauma from the past killing games he'd partaken in is rendering him in a fragile state.

Saihara tries not to think about Amami as he makes his way to Kirumi's room, but his brain seems to have a fascination with focusing on everything that Saihara _doesn't_ want.

Kirumi is tightly strapped to her bed - a precaution thanks to Amami's breakdown - but she still smiles brightly at the sight of him. Saihara feels an awkward sensation in his stomach, but he tries to push it down.

"Hello, Saihara-san," she greets him, "Are you feeling well?"

Saihara finds himself chuckling. Even now, Kirumi was concerned about him, despite her being the one in the hospital. He says, "I suppose? I should be asking you that, though."

Kirumi sighs, "Every part of my body aches, but I know that I shouldn't pity myself. If I'm alive, then there must have been something worth saving. So… I can't really say."

Something about her words hit Saihara in a way that he would have never expected.

 _There must have been something worth saving._

"Only Iruma-san, Chabashira-san, Shinguuji-san, and Ouma-san are yet to wake up, correct?" Kirumi asks.

Saihara nods, "Yes- Wait. How do you know that?"

"Ah," Kirumi says, "I was speaking with Hoshi-san before you arrived, and he mentioned some of the others who were awake."

Saihara bites the inside of his lip, "Are you okay, Toujou-san? I mean, with…" he trails off, but it's clear where he was headed with his sentence.

Kirumi smiles, "There are no hard feelings between us."

Saihara smiles back faintly, and wonders what the earth did to deserve someone as gentle as Kirumi.

* * *

After parting ways with Kirumi, Saihara heads to the cafeteria. There's a surprising amount of people inside already. Sans Maki and Gonta - who are sitting at another table, the latter scowling - and Shirogane - who simply isn't present - everyone is gathered around one table in the middle.

Saihara walks up to them curiously, "Is that Monopoly?"

"I found it in the storage room this morning," Maki says, idly turning a page from the magazine she's reading, "I don't like the game myself, but I thought the others would be interested."

Kaito says, "Shuuichi, you have to help me! Those two ganged up on me for no reason!" He waves his hand at Himiko and Angie, who have devilish grins on their faces.

Angie says, "Kaito bankrupted Gonta for no reason! Himiko and Angie have to avenge his honour!"

"It's not my fault the dumbass didn't have any property to bargain with!" Kaito shouts back, "This is completely unfair!"

"You're still winning," Hoshi grunts.

Kaito clasps his hands, "Shuuichi! I'm desperate!"

Saihara chuckles, and instead moves around to where Kaede is sitting. She's doing okay for herself, from what Saihara can tell, but she doesn't seem to have much strategy.

"Can I sit with you?" he asks.

Kaede nods and smiles, and scoots over so that he can sit down.

Himiko picks up the dice, when Gonta says, "Wait. Before you do anything, put a hotel on New York avenue."

Kaito frowns, "Hey, that's cheating! You can't help her!"

"Why wasn't it cheating when you asked Saihara for help, then?" Hoshi asks, raising an eyebrow.

Kaito scowls furiously, but doesn't say a word, as Himiko grins, sticks her tongue out, and places down a hotel.

Saihara glances around the table, then whispers to Kaede, "On your turn, ask Yonaga-san to trade Kentucky for States."

"Okay," Kaede replies in the same tone, "But why?"

"It has a higher landing probability, especially from jail," he murmurs, "Plus, Momota-kun has the other two, and he'd do anything to get it from you."

Kaede nods, something shining in her eyes. She waits patiently for Himiko to finish, then says, "Yonaga-san? Can I trade you Kentucky for States?"

Angie looks down at her cards, then the board, and then says, "Eh? Sure, Kaede!"

She flings the card in Kaede's face, while she carefully hands the other card towards the other girl. Kaito skeptically raises an eyebrow, but doesn't say a word.

"Thank you," Kaede says, and proceeds to roll.

The game lasts for another two hours. After Hoshi knocks out Angie, Himiko retaliates against him, before falling victim to Kaito's devastating Boardwalk.

Kaito becomes all the more fierce, as it comes down to him verses Kaede, with Saihara as her strategy guide. The others have taken to cheering on the remaining competitors, much to Kaito's chagrin, as only Maki is on his side.

Kaede lands on States after escaping jail. Kaito grins, having traded for ownership of it earlier, but Kaede simply replies, "Your roll."

"No!" Kaito splutters, "You have to pay me! I didn't go to the effort of getting those hotels for nothing!"

Kaede smiles sweetly, "When I traded that to you, we agreed that I never have to pay rent on those spaces. Your roll."

Angie jeers at Kaito, who glares at her, then Kaede, before picking up the dice and angrily shaking.

Six turns later, Kaito lands on one of Kaede's hotels. He's out of ready cash, and quietly sighs, "That's game. You got me real bad."

Kaede replies, "You did well enough. And I wouldn't have made it this far without Saihara-kun's help."

Saihara blushes. Kaede looks the happiest he's seen in days.

Silently, he thanks the creator of Monopoly.

* * *

The night hours have fallen onto the compound, but Saihara's still active. He figures if he wears himself out before going to bed, he might actually fall asleep tonight. As he wanders around the top floor, Saihara spots strange movement out of the corner of his eye. Curious, he turns on his heel, and pokes his head into the supply closet.

Standing inside is Kaede, one of her hands holding into a ladder rung, and looking up at the ceiling. She spots him, and quickly pulls her hand away, "A-Ah, Saihara-kun! I just noticed that the ladder was down, and I thought I'd try to put it back." She flashes him an uneasy smile.

Saihara smiles back calmly, "Have you ever been on the roof at night before?"

Kaede twirls a strand of hair around her finger, "I've never been on the roof at all, actually."

"Want to see, then?" Saihara asks without thinking, "The stars are lovely at this hour."

Kaede looks at the ladder nervously, and shrugs.

Saihara says, "I'll even go up first." He walks towards the ladder, and ascends it rung by rung. He hears Kaede begin to climb as well, and smiles to himself.

Up on the rooftop, the only light comes from the stars. Saihara takes a few steps, letting the wind tousle his hair, as he moves closer to the edge. Kaede comes to stand next to him after a moment, but instead of looking up, glances down at the abyss of darkness below.

In the back of Saihara's mind, he knows there's a safety net a few feet below, but most of him wants to jump off the roof, feeling the air on all sides of his body before making a decisive impact with the dirt.

Instead, he grabs Kaede's wrist, and points upwards, "Look at that. Isn't it gorgeous?"

Kaede's gaze travels to where he's pointing, and her eyes fill with a strange wonder, "It is… I've never seen anything like it before. I've lived in cities my whole life… we don't get stars there."

Saihara nods softly, "When I was little, I lived in the countryside, and I saw these every night. But after they died, I went to live in the city with my uncle… well, I stopped seeing them."

"I'm sorry," Kaede murmurs.

"Don't be," Saihara replies, "It's better this way."

Kaede asks, "Do you come here often? Er… I mean…"

Saihara chuckles, "Only when I can't sleep. Actually, I can't sleep most nights. So… sometimes?"

"Well," Kaede says quietly, "If you're going to be here, maybe I can make an effort to come here more often myself."

Saihara replies, "Is that a proposal?"

Kaede grins, "Would you like it to be?"

"You know, Akamatsu-san," Saihara says, "You're right. You're not the person you were in the simulation… you're better."

Kaede's expression changes from one of worry to being flattered. She leans on his shoulder, and murmurs, "Smooth, Saihara-kun. Are you sure you've never done this before?"

Saihara tries to respond, but Kaede bursts into laughter, "You're easy to fluster. I… I think you're better in real life too."

"A shooting star!" Saihara says suddenly, "Make a wish!"

As it streaks across the sky, he asks, "So, what did you wish for?"

Kaede giggles, "Well if I tell you, then it won't come true!"

"Do you really believe that superstition?"

"If you don't, tell me what _you_ wished for."

Saihara smiles, "I think you know what it was."

Kaede slips his hand into her own, and replies, "And I think you know what I wished for too."

They stay on the roof for the rest of the night, leaning on each other and watching the stars go by.

* * *

The second that Tenko's allowed visitors, Saihara and Himiko rush into her room. She had woken up a day prior, but had already made an amazing recovery.

Tenko is sitting up on her bed when they enter, her long hair loose and wavy. She turns to them with surprise, her eyes wide. Something - longing, perhaps? - gleams in them, and she shakily gets to her feet.

"Chabashira-san!" Saihara says cheerfully, "I'm so glad to see you again!"

Himiko adds, "You look nice with your hair down! It adds to your style points."

Tenko stares at them for a second, as if gauging the response. Then she takes a step forwards, and punches Himiko in the face.


	8. The Night You Escaped

"I should have remembered to block," Himiko mutters, "I've always had bad special defence."

Himiko is set up in the first aid room, sitting drowsily on a wooden stool. Tenko's strength had weakened during her time in the simulation, so it hadn't even been enough to give Himiko a black eye. Still, the bruise on her face is dark, and looks painful.

Saihara awkwardly hovers in the corner of the room, while one of the doctors passes Himiko a pack of ice. The redhead holds it mindlessly for a couple seconds, then presses it to her face. She seems dazed, but according to the doctor, she doesn't have a concussion.

The door violently slams open, and Angie wheels in, alarm in her eyes, "Himiko! Are you okay?"

Himiko groans, and Angie wheels her way over, gently taking Himiko's free hand in her own, "Who did this to you?" Angie whispers, "Angie will make sure that Kami-san punishes them!"

"It was Chabashira-san," Saihara says quietly. When Angie gives him a skeptical look, he adds, "She was allowed visitors earlier, so we went in to see her… and she punched Yumeno-san after we said hello."

He expects for Angie not to believe him, but she clenches both her fists, and says, "Angie is going to give Tenko a piece of her mind! Nobody does that to Angie's best friend!"

The doctor clears his throat, "Your sense of justice is admirable, but Chabashira-san has been put under watch, and only staff members can visit her for the time being. We assumed that she was under control, but our initial observation appears to be incorrect. She needs to undergo an evaluation from our psych team before anything else."

Angie folds her arms and scowls, "But Angie has to avenge Himiko!"

Himiko chuckles at this, and smiles faintly, "I'm not out of HP yet… but thank you."

Saihara shuffles out of the room after that. He doesn't belong in this conversation, and he knows it.

* * *

The cafeteria is quiet. Maki and Kaito are playing Scrabble, while Gonta sits nearby with a dictionary. Kaede is sitting at a table nearby, furiously drawing. Saihara approaches her slowly, but she doesn't look up from her paper. As he slides into the chair across from her, he sees that what she's drawing is nothing more than a colourful void. She has crayons wax underneath her nails.

"Hi, Akamatsu-san," Saihara says softly, shifting in his seat. He wonders if she can even hear him. Kaede has never been more focused in the entire time that he's known her.

Kaede sets down her crayon, her hands quivering, "H-Hi. How'd your visit with Chabashira-san go?"

Saihara grimaces, "Really badly. What are you drawing?"

"My emotions," Kaede replies, "What happened? Are you feeling okay?"

Behind him, Saihara hears someone place down a tile more fiercely than needed, and flinches. It takes him a moment before he can reply, "She punched Yumeno-san in the face."

Kaede's eyes go wide, "She did what? I thought they were friends…"

Saihara opens his mouth to speak, then stops. While friends is not even the half of it, Kaede doesn't know that. She died before the two became romantically involved.

His stomach churns for more reasons than one.

Kaede picks up a crayon only to snap it in half. Something about her expression seems different than before. Saihara reaches out, and places his hand on top of her own.

"I guess she changed," Saihara whispers, his voice wavering, "But we all did…"

Kaede sniffles, and rubs her eyes with her free hand, "I'm scared."

Saihara nods sadly, "Me too, Akamatsu-san. Me too."

* * *

Three days later, Saihara enters the hospital again. Tenko has been cleared by the psych team, but only for certain people. Needless to say, Himiko has been banned, not that she seems to mind very much. In fact, from what Saihara can tell, she's more than happy to be in Angie's company, which is good as the artist has not left Himiko's side since the incident.

Tenko is lying on her bed, draped awkwardly over the side. Her hair is tied up in a loose ponytail, but it looks like a tangled mess. Saihara shivers a bit. He remembers when he had long hair.

"Hey, Chabashira-san," he says carefully, "How's your morning going?"

Tenko sits up and stares at him with hollow eyes. He takes a cautious step closer, and she gets off the bed. Standing face to face with him, she looks him up and down. She's still a few inches shorter than him, but her presence feels large and threatening. Saihara swallows, expecting her to punch him, but she throws her arms around him instead.

"Shuuichi-kun!" she exclaims, "I'm so glad that you're here. I was so worried that something had happened to you."

Everything in Tenko's sentence is wrong, from her familiarity, to her concern, to her use of personal pronouns. Saihara stares at her, but she doesn't seem to realize that anything's wrong.

He forces a smile, "I'm glad that you're here too. How have you been feeling?"

"Bored," she replies, "The doctors won't let me out of this ugly place. That reminds me… why am I in the hospital?"

Saihara blinks a few times, "Well, your body still hasn't fully recovered from the simulation. Until you're fully functional, they can't let you leave."

Tenko raises an eyebrow, "Simulation? What're you talking about?"

"Chabashira-san?"

She laughs, "I told you to stop being so formal with me! We're best friends, we don't have to act like strangers."

Saihara feels a pit form in his stomach, "Tenko-san…" he tries the words feeling heavy and uncomfortable on his tongue. He hasn't called her that in a very long time. During the killing game, both spoke formally to each other, and now it feels strange for Saihara to talk to her like nothing has changed.

Tenko beams, "That's better. Go on!"

"You do remember the simulation, right?" Saihara asks.

She shakes her head, "Should I? I don't even know what that is."

"Season fifty-three of _Dangan Ronpa_ took place in a virtual reality," Saihara says, "We were both in it."

Tenko rolls her eyes, "Real funny, but you're an awful liar! Why would I sign up for a reality show that could kill me?"

 _I don't know… I don't know why you did, or why you can't remember._

"How old are you?" Saihara asks suddenly, struck by something awful.

Tenko replies breezily, "Eighteen, duh. Why? Did you forget your age again?"

Saihara smiles weakly, "N-No, I didn't."

Tenko is eight months older than him, and he turned nineteen a month ago.

* * *

Besides Tenko's inability to remember the simulation, her memories are crystal clear. She can tell him about any event that occurred when they were children.

As for why the simulation evades her, Saihara isn't sure, though he guesses it has to do with trauma from within it. Being murdered, even inside a computer system, would likely take a toll on someone's mental health.

Tired and defeated, he trudges back up to the rooms on the fifth floor. The long and narrow hallways feel tighter than usual, and he swallows tersely.

One of the doors up ahead opens, and out steps Kirumi. She quietly closes the door, then spots him and halts, "Good evening, Saihara-san."

"Evening, Toujou-san," Saihara replies, "I thought your room was at the end of the hall?"

She nods, "It is. This is Amami-san's room."

"He's out of the intensive care unit?" Saihara asks.

Kirumi says, "Only as of an hour ago. He's currently sleeping, but he's still very volatile at the moment. With time, I hope he can recover." Her voice is warmer than he's ever heard in his life.

Saihara nods along, "I hope so too. I just got back from visiting Chabashira-san, and she's-"

"I'm sorry?" Kirumi cuts him off, "I thought she wasn't allowed visitors, because of her acts of violence?"

Saihara says, "As of today, she is. Yumeno-san wasn't injured particularly badly."

Kirumi raises an eyebrow, "What are you talking about? Just this morning, I spoke to Momota-san, and he told me that she had attacked him when he tried to talk to her."

Saihara's mouth hangs open for a moment.

"And Harukawa-san told me the same thing," Kirumi continues, "She also tried to injure both myself and Hoshi-san."

Saihara blinks a few times, "She was so happy to see me when I came around. She hugged me and everything…"

Kirumi frowns, "That is… peculiar. Why you, out of everyone here? No offence meant."

"None taken," Saihara says, "It might be because we used to be friends."

Kirumi's eyes widen, "Were you now?"

Saihara nods, "We lost touch shortly before I auditioned for the show. I assumed she didn't remember me, because she didn't say a word to me before our fake memories were implanted."

Kirumi replies, "Perhaps she is nice to only you because she knows who you are?"

Saihara thinks of twelve year old Tenko, who was scared of strangers, and cowered behind him. He thinks of fifteen year old Tenko, who channelled her fears into violence, and attacked many a person with hand made nunchucks.

Suddenly, her aggressive behaviour isn't surprising at all.

* * *

"I don't want to see her."

Saihara sticks out his lip the tiniest bit, "Please? You two have to talk eventually."

Himiko tugs her hat down over her eyes, "I said that I don't want to see her, and I meant it."

He groans. They've been standing in the hallway for the past ten minutes, having the same argument, and the lights are starting to hurt his eyes. Himiko - who agreed to visit the hospital with him - is now stubborn and refusing to move.

Saihara asks, "Why don't you? You were more than happy when she first woke up, so don't you want to try and work things out?"

"Because I _love her!"_ Himiko shouts, tears welling in her eyes, "I love her and she _hates_ me, and I don't want to be in a room with a shadow of the person I know!"

She breaks off, blubbering.

Saihara shuts his eyes and whispers, "Chabashira-san doesn't hate you. She's just frightened out of her mind. The girl that you love is still in there, and she misses you more than you could ever imagine."

"H-How do you know?" Himiko sniffles.

Saihara pushes the door open, "I don't."

 _I just hope I'm right._

Tenko lights up when she sees him, then bristles when Himiko teeters in after. Saihara nudges Himiko forwards, but the short girl seems terrified.

"Hey there, Chaba… Tenko-san," Saihara says, "We came to see you. Do you think you'll be out of the hospital soon?"

Tenko ignores his question, "What is _she_ doing here?"

Himiko tenses, and grabs onto Saihara's arm.

Saihara forces a smile, "This is Himiko Yumeno. But you know that, Tenko-san. You know _her."_

Tenko hisses, "No I don't! Don't do this to me, Shuuichi-kun! Don't try and trick me into thinking I know all these people! Are you trying to get in my head?! Oh my god, you're turning into _him!"_

"N-No, I'm not-"

"YOU LIAR!" Tenko screams, leaping to her feet. Saihara throws himself in front of Himiko, desperate to keep the girl from obtaining anymore Tenko related injuries.

Saihara says, "Please, Tenko-san. I'm not doing anything, I just want you-"

Tenko growls, "That's what he always said. He always tried to trick me, because he thought I was stupid! Well, I'm not stupid! And I know that you're _lying_ to me! You sick, sick _bastard!"_

Saihara says, "You're not stupid, I don't think that, and I never have. I swear on my life, I'm not lying to you-"

Tenko screams again, tears running down her face, "SHUT UP! You say that now, but you're going to smash a beer bottle on my face and tell me how _worthless_ I am the _second_ I make a mistake! I've had _enough_ of being _lied to_ by _stupid, stupid, boys!"_

"Tenko-san!"

That's the last thing he manages to say before her hands close around his throat.

* * *

"So much for the girl I love still being in there."

Saihara grunts in response, hardly able to speak. Now he's the one lying in a hospital bed, a cold metal collar around his neck. He's not strapped down, but he can't move his body anyways.

Himiko sighs, "You tried, I'll give you that. But she didn't want to see me as it was, and now she's brutally attacked _you,_ the only person she seemed to like. So… it's hopeless."

Saihara opens his mouth, but his throat is too dry at this point. He settles for awkwardly twitching his finger in her direction.

Himiko rubs his shoulder sympathetically, "The real Tenko Chabashira is dead. The person in her place is just pretending."

 _It's who she really is._

Either Himiko can read minds, or he managed to say that aloud, because she wails, "I know that's who she is! But I don't want her! I want the girl I fell in love with, and I'm never going to see her again."

Saihara looks at her as comfortingly as he can.

Himiko sighs, "I'm going to go tell the others what happened. I… I think I have enough MP left for that."

With that, she leaves Saihara alone in his hospital room, silent except for the beeping of the machine that he's strapped to.

* * *

Saihara dreams of sirens, fire, and screaming, and he doesn't know if they're fueled more by the shit that he's lived through, or the borderline hallucinogenic drugs in his bloodstream.

* * *

Kaede visits him the morning after the incident. She looks distressed and disheveled, like she hasn't slept at all. She smiles wearily at the sight of him, and whispers, "I'm glad you're alive."

Saihara smiles back, or at least, he hopes that he does. He can't really feel his face at the moment.

Kaede sits down on a stool by his bed, "Yumeno-san told us what happened to you. Are you feeling okay? Ah… that's a stupid question. You can't even talk, can you?"

Saihara tries to shrug. The collar is gone, but he still struggles to move at all.

Kaede takes his hand, and interlaces their fingers. She stays quiet for a very long time, letting the repetitive beeping do all the talking for them.

When she finally does break the silence, she says one single sentence, enough to make Saihara realize that the sirens from his dreams were real.

"Amami-kun broke out of this place last night."


	9. Twelve Feet Deep

**AN: Fair warning in advance that this chapter is a doozy and may contain upsetting content! Stay safe!**

When Saihara was young child, he helped his uncle file paperwork. The older man was a hardened detective, exhausted and bitter after years on the force with no change in the corrupt system. Saihara spent many long evenings doing this, and while the task was easy, it was incredibly boring. In his entire life, Saihara had experienced the mind numbing sensation in two situations. The first was when he sat on the torn, stained carpet of his uncle's office, sorting through file after file, as it grew darker and darker in the room.

The second is in the moment that Kaede explains to him that Amami has somehow escaped the studio compound.

Saihara moves his lips - or at the very least, tries to - but still no sound comes out. His brain feels warm, as if it's going to melt and gush out through his ears. He stares at Kaede with wide eyes (he hopes) and she sighs quietly.

"Late last night, I heard sirens from my room," Kaede whispers, her voice cracked and hoarse. Saihara wonders if she's been crying, but refrains from speaking. Not like he could talk if he wanted to, anyways. She smells like fabric softener and integrity, but she looks like a wreck.

Saihara wishes that he could grab her hand.

Kaede continues, "I came downstairs, and I found everyone gathered in the cafeteria. Just after I arrived, several guards marched in and explained that Amami-kun had somehow managed to get past the gates."

She's still shaking. Saihara twitches his hand to the best of his capability, but Kaede doesn't notice. If she does, she doesn't acknowledge it.

"And you know who I saw," Kaede whispers, tears running down her face, "standing in the middle of the room like nothing was wrong at all?"

An ugly and painful feeling surges inside of him, and Saihara feels like he would be sick if he could move.

Kaede wipes her face, "Shirogane… Just watching the rest of us panic, as if all was right in the world. And… and she turned to me… and she _smiled_ at me."

Pure, untainted rage sprints through every vein in Saihara's body. He croaks out the first words since his assault, his voice dry and broken, "H…ow dare… she?"

Kaede cries harder, and grips his fingers so tightly he wonders if they'll break.

* * *

His voice heals over the course of the day. It's still rough, but he can talk properly, even if it hurts a bit. He's working towards moving the rest of his body, but the doctors seem pleased with his progress.

Part of Saihara wonders what would happen if he - or anyone else, really - were to die under their care. On one hand, they wouldn't have to pay out the long overdue prize money, but on the other, it would cause a huge scandal. The show was already practically cancelled for good, unless the studio could scrape together enough funds to bribe the people in their way.

After weighing the options, Saihara considers ripping out the IV in his arm, but he still can't make his other arm move, so the entire idea amounts to nothing.

Not like any idea that he's ever had has turned out well. He's just a boy who wished with all his heart to either get away with murder, or die on live TV, and he wasn't able to accomplish either of those.

Some person he turned out to be.

* * *

Late one night, Saihara's door opens. He's expecting a doctor, as it's half an hour after visiting hours have ended, but he's wrong, as always.

Tenko Chabashira stands in his doorway, her face heavy and solemn. She stares at him uselessly for a minute or so, then takes a step inside and closes the door behind her.

His fists are closed, and as much of his body as he can move has gone stiff with fear. He wonders how she managed to get in, then remembers his own escapade where he broke inside to visit Shirogane.

His heart beats faster.

Tenko approaches his bed, and then bows low, "Hello, Saihara-san. Tenko is sorry for hurting you."

Saihara blinks a few times, and looks at her. She's back to her polite yet cutesy way of speaking, and it unnerves him especially.

"Tenko-san…" he croaks. He isn't sure where to go from there, because he's not about to tell her not to be sorry, because she should be.

She flinches, catching him off guard, "You shouldn't. I, er, Tenko doesn't deserve that kindness."

Saihara wheezes, "You're still… my friend. I still care about y-you." He isn't entirely sure if he's telling the truth or not. He still cares about Tenko's well being, but he isn't sure if they're still friends. Part of him wants to rekindle their childhood friendship, but the part of him that still feels sore in every region of his neck wants her to leave.

Tenko quivers, clenching her fists tightly, "Tenko shouldn't have hurt you. She was… scared, because Saihara-san reminded her of… of her father. It was irrational, and Tenko begs your forgiveness."

There's so much hesitation and trepidation in her voice that Saihara doesn't really know where to go from there. He's never actually met Tenko's father, only heard about him from Tenko herself, and her aunt. If he was acting like her father, then the entire situation suddenly makes sense.

Tenko sits down slowly on a tiny wooden stool, her face downcast. She whispers, "I shouldn't… _Tenko_ shouldn't be scared of him anymore. He's long dead… Tenko killed him nearly six years ago now."

It takes a moment for her words to register with him, "W-What? Tenko-san… your father-"

Tenko wrings her hands, "Did Tenko not tell you about that? She snapped one day, and strangled him with his own whipping belt! J-Just like how he killed Tenko's mother."

Saihara stares at her for a long second, then croaks, "Tenko-san… he and your mother died in a car crash. Y-You've told m...e this."

Tenko shakes her head, and looks at him like he's grown a second head, "No! W-Why would you say that?! Tenko did this… Tenko killed him with these two hands! He always thought that girls were weak, and he was _certain_ that his son was the one killing him, but little did he know, it was his daughter all along because girls can be _strong_ and he was a drunken, delusional, _dipshit_ , and… and I…"

She breaks off, her breath ragged and tears flowing from her eyes.

Saihara whispers, "No… The Super High-School Level Aikido Master may have killed her own father… but you didn't. Y-Your parents died in a car crash…"

Tenko's lip trembles, then sobs uselessly. Saihara reaches shakily into his pocket, then passes her his lighter and an unopened packet of cigarettes. She holds them, her hands quivering, then lunges forwards and hugs him close.

There aren't many people that Saihara hates more than Tsumugi Shirogane, but Tenko's father is absolutely one of them.

* * *

Saihara is escorted out of the hospital the next morning. According to the orderly with him, the compound is on major lockdown, and nobody, not even the staff, can enter the courtyards. Many of the other corridors are now restricted. The orderly says that it's to keep everyone contained until Amami can be located, but Saihara knows that it's because the executives fear that the felt of them will follow suit.

He won't try, though. He escaped once, just after waking from the simulation, and he, Maki, and Himiko were found within five days. He's not in the mood for running again, because Team _Dangan Ronpa_ will always find him.

The cafeteria is luckily still open to him, and it appears that everyone else has chosen to gather there. There's no board games going on, just strained silence. Saihara takes a step towards the table that Kaede, Hoshi, and Kirumi are sitting at, then freezes.

Tenko is all on her own at the back of the room.

He sits down across from the black haired girl, and smiles gently, "M-Morning, Tenko-san."

She lowers her head, "You don't have to do that. Address Tenko so familiarly, I mean. She's not good enough for that."

"Yes you are," Saihara responds. That's the end of the discussion. Neither of them say a word, or even move, for the next several hours.

When it eventually begins to grow late, Saihara rises from the table. Before he can get two steps away, Tenko says, "A-Ah, Saihara-san. Thank you for the… you know."

He can see an unlit cigarette hanging out of her pocket.

He nods quietly, and says, "Use them wisely." Then, he leaves, and doesn't look at anyone on the way out.

* * *

Five minutes past the stroke of eleven at night, the compound is informed that Amami has been located by one of the search squads. According to the squad, he was found nearly eighty miles from the studio, unconscious, dehydrated, and starving.

Saihara and Kirumi hover outside his hospital room, asking any doctor that passes by if they'll be able to speak with him soon. They are denied every time. Saihara isn't sure why he's so desperate to talk to Amami - considering that the green haired boy lashed out at him the last time they met - but he believes it must have something to do with how worried Kirumi is about him.

It's a bit peculiar in his opinion. Amami and Kirumi weren't particularly close in the simulation, so her emotions towards him seem to have sprung out of nowhere.

Or maybe they knew each other before. Now that Saihara thinks about it, it would make her concern and dedication make perfectly sense. As Kirumi looks through the one way glass into Amami's room, watching him toss and turn on his bed, her gloved hand presses tightly against the glass.

Saihara wishes that he could break it for her.

Eventually, one of the nurses exits the room, and says that one of them can enter, but only one. Kirumi looks at Saihara, a look in her eyes that he couldn't describe with words.

"You go, Toujou-san," he says, "I'll visit him tomorrow."

Kirumi smiles warmly at him, dips her head at the nurse, then heads into Amami's room. Before the nurse closes the door, Saihara hears her greet him, and watches as Amami sits up, a relieved look on his face.

Saihara leaves with a bitter taste in his mouth.

He wanders through the dark empty corridors, trying to sort out his thoughts. Everything feels too numb and too real at the same time, and Saihara hates it.

He tries something that the psychologist mentioned at the last therapy session, making a mental list of everything that makes him happy.

It is a very short list.

His uncle. Kaede. Tenko. Detective novels. Kaito. Fried dough balls.

…Maybe some of the others, if he stretched it. Saihara hasn't felt true bliss in a very long time.

As it nears a quarter to two in the morning, Saihara enters the hallway where his room is. But instead of trudging to the end of the hall, he stops outside of her room, and stares at the dust on the door handle.

He doesn't know why he's standing here. What he does know, however, is that he's prone to making impulsive, regrettable decisions.

Saihara turns the door handle.

The door opens.

She's sitting on a low futon bed, draped in blankets and surrounded by pillows. Saihara curls her lip at the sight - she's cozy, and he can't even get a quilt that isn't ripped? - but stops himself from speaking.

He takes a glance at her window out of the corner of his eyes, and a wave of apprehension settles over him. Her window, like Hoshi's and his own, is barred.

"Hi, Saihara-kun," Shirogane says drowsily, "Do you want something?"

Saihara closes the door, shakes his head, and slumps on the cold, hard floor. Shirogane stares at him with inquisitive, unsettling eyes, and he responds, "I just need to be around someone more fucked up than I am."

Shirogane huffs, "That's not very nice. Here I thought someone finally cared enough to see me, and instead, my hopes and dreams were destroyed. Whoosh… just like that."

Saihara scowls at her, "Why would any of us _care_ about you? After what you did to us? Not likely."

Shirogane absently twirls a lock of her hair, "You were my first visitor in the hospital, you know. Also my last. I haven't spoken to anyone besides my doctor since."

"Well, I can't really blame everyone for hating you," Saihara spits.

She tuts, "You're not very nice, are you? I can't tell what Akamatsu-san possibly sees in you."

"Don't you _dare_ say her name."

Shirogane smirks, "Why not? I saw her a few nights ago. It was the first time I've seen anyone besides you. Not that you were there. She looked so frightened when she saw me… I even smiled to be polite!"

Saihara scowls, "You framed and executed her for a murder that you committed. I'd be amazed if she _wasn't_ scared of you."

Shirogane looks at him dryly, "Well, that was my plan. But my plan was for all of you, sans myself and Kiibo-kun, to die. It would be incredibly entertaining for the audience, don't you think?"

"I think that you're sick," Saihara replies coldly.

Surprisingly, Shirogane smiles, "You're cute. You cling to the person you were in the simulation like you are him, but you're really not. Do you honestly believe that you're a good person? You signed up for the show for a reason. ...You remind me of myself, sometimes."

Saihara's chest heaves, and he hisses, "Get out."

"You seem to forget that _you_ were the one to barge into _my_ room," Shirogane replies cooly.

He gets to his feet, and growls at her, "I hate you. I hate you so much."

"I… I know," Shirogane says, her gaze suddenly distant, "I'd hate me too."

Saihara doesn't know what to say to that, so he leaves her behind.

* * *

There's a knock on Saihara's door at three-fifteen. Still not tired - and in fact, shaken - Saihara opens it to reveal Kaede, who looks ill.

"A-Are you busy?" she asks, gripping the hem of her shirt tightly.

Saihara shakes his head, "Not at all. What do you need?"

Kaede looks at him blankly, then leaps forwards and hugs him. She begins crying just after, and Saihara awkwardly rubs her back.

"I was hoping," she murmurs between sobs, "that they'd never find Amami-kun. And I _hate_ myself for that, but every single time I hear his name, I think about how I killed him, even though he doesn't remember."

"You didn't kill him," Saihara replies gently, "I-"

Kaede pulls away, and looks him right in the eyes, "No, I did! I killed him when I set up that trap, just like how I killed _everyone else!"_

Saihara says, "Akamatsu-san, listen to me. You're not at-"

"No, you listen to me," Kaede responds, "I don't care what brush you paint me with. I'm still a bad person, and nothing can change that, not even you."

"Akama-"

"No!" she yells, "You wanna know something, Saihara-kun? If Amami-kun hadn't died, _nobody_ would have. The motive was that everyone who was 'forced' into the killing game would die."

Saihara murmurs, "And we all signed up willingly… No, but we didn't know that! None of us had any way of knowing what was going on!"

Kaede whispers, "I was not magnificent, Saihara-kun. Stop trying to convince me, it's not worth it. No matter what you say, I'll always feel at fault for Amami-kun's death, even if I didn't really kill him."

Saihara hugs her again, out of words to say. She sways in his arms, silent. Then without warning, she begins to cry again.

* * *

Saihara awakens to sunlight, and several sharp knocks on his door. He shifts carefully, and yawns a few times. His bed is small as it is, but it's even smaller as he's currently sharing it with Kaede.

She fell asleep first during the early hours, and Saihara - who was averse to the dirty floor - crawled into his bed after her.

Kaede snores ever so slightly now, still fast asleep.

There's another series of knocks, and Saihara crawls over Kaede and up to the door. Maki stands on the other side, looking both annoyed and concerned.

"Saihara," she says sharply, "I need to talk to you about something."

From behind him, Kaede yawns and shuffles, "Saihara-kun? Who's there?"

Maki blanches, "Is that Akamatsu? Saihara, I-"

"It's not what you think," Saihara says quickly, "She just-"

Maki scowls, "Bad taste."

Saihara narrows his eyes, "You two are friends! I've seen the two of you talking and enjoying yourselves before!"

Maki huffs, "She approached me and insisted we be 'friends.' I don't actually like her."

"Bad taste," Saihara replies. Maki glowers at him.

"Akamatsu!" Maki yells into the room, "Get in here, this is very important."

Kaede groans, but drags herself over to the doorway, "Mmm? Harukawa-san?"

Maki takes a deep breath, "It's about Chabashira. She's back in the hospital."

Saihara freezes, "W-What?! Is she okay?! I thought she was-"

Maki holds up her hand, "From what I heard, she tried speaking to Yonaga and Yumeno, but things… went south. The… the security team found her suspended from her window… with her belt tied around her neck."

Saihara looks at Maki for a long moment, then collapses on the floor in a heap.


	10. Eyes on Fire

His mouth is open. His lips are dry. His head is spinning.

"Saihara-kun!"

He thinks that's Kaede's voice. He thinks a lot of things, in fact. He thinks about the theory of relativity when he's bored at night, and he thinks about how the odds in Russian Roulette can vary depending on the type of revolver used. He thinks about the mechanisms in train engines, and about all the songs that must exist in people's heads, never to be written down.

"I think he has a concussion."

Now _that,_ Saihara thinks, must be Maki's voice. It's cold and harsh, not unlike a brutal, lethal winter. Maki of course, would enjoy that description, because she is a murderer. That's not something that Saihara thinks about often but she truly is the Super High-School Level Assassin, that's one person with true talent on her hands. How many people has she killed before this, then? Why didn't she try to kill in the game? She would have almost certainly gotten away with it, with the years of experience and hundreds of victims under her belt. _Why_ has he never considered this before?

"Is… is he crying?"

He can't tell who's speaking anymore, but he can feel the hot tears running down his face and into his still open mouth. They fill the gap until it spills over his lip, and runs down his chin.

He cries so hard he howls.

* * *

Right off the bat, Saihara is told that Tenko can't have visitors for the next week, and there is nothing that he can do about it. He settles for angrily pacing the hospital with Gonta, who for whatever reason, is following him.

Though, Gonta's sudden presence probably has less to do with Tenko, and more with Iruma, who woke up from her coma during the night. She isn't allowed visitors either, but Gonta still grows tense when they walk through the hallway where she's sleeping.

After circling the hallways for the tenth time, Saihara stops outside Amami's room. He glances at Gonta, who seems to be on another planet, then enters the hospital room.

Amami is lying down on his bed, but he's absolutely awake. At the sight of him, he sits up with a forced smile, "Hey… Saihara-kun."

Saihara blinks, "You remember me?"

Amami shakes his head, "Just your name. Kirumi-san has been trying to help me remember everyone. Saihara-kun wears a hat, and doesn't have red hair, so you have to be him."

 _Oh… And here I thought that he was getting better._

"Harukawa-kun! You're here too!" Amami says suddenly.

Saihara swivels around, but it's Gonta who has finally stepped inside. The tall boy lightly brushes his clothes, and mutters, "It's Gokuhara."

Amami's face falls, "...Oh. Sorry. I guess I still need some more practice."

Saihara asks, "How have you been feeling? I haven't seen you… in a while." He tries not to think about the disaster that was his last visit to Amami.

The green haired boy looks ashamed, "Not great. Better, though? What about you, have you been feeling okay?"

Saihara shakes his head, "I haven't been very well myself. Some… bad things happened last night."

Amami nods along, "Mmmm… Kiibo-kun told me that something went down earlier. Wouldn't give me any details, though."

"You've talked to Kiibo-kun?" Saihara asks. He's tried reaching out to the tablet in the cafeteria, but it's been quiet for the past several days.

(He still remembers Kiibo's empty shell destructing on command because Shirogane couldn't handle a world without _Dangan Ronpa_ and tries not to feel sick.)

"He _is_ the robot, right?" Amami asks. When Saihara nods, Amami adds, "Yeah, he usually hangs around in the hospital monitors. He's… nice."

Saihara waits a few moments, as Amami taps his fingers idly, then asks, "Hey, Amami-kun? Why did you break out of here?"

He shrugs, "I really wish I could tell you, but I have no idea. I don't even remember doing it. All I know is that I woke up one morning under a tree, and had the urge to keep running away. Does that… make any sense?"

It doesn't really, but Saihara doesn't understand the ins and outs of memory erasure or amnesia caused by the abuse of it.

From behind him, Gonta says, "I'm going to head out if it-"

"NO!" Amami shouts, "You _can't_ go! That's what they all said!"

Saihara tenses. The vacant, panicked look is back in Amami's eyes.

"They said they would be right back and then they _died!_ You can't die!" Amami screams, "I WON'T LET YOU DIE AGAIN!"

He begins to cry. Saihara steps forwards and hugs the green haired boy, awkwardly patting him on the back. Amami cries harder, sobbing onto his shirt, and gripping Saihara's arms tightly.

By the time Amami finally lets go, Gonta is long gone.

* * *

"W-W-What happened?"

Saihara's still sitting on his floor, still crying a little bit. Kaede is sitting next to him, holding his hand gently, while Maki is still standing above them, as if they're little children.

(He wishes he was a child he wishes he could go back and be twelve years old and play cards with Tenko and never ever ever go near Team _Dangan Ronpa_ why did he sign up why was he so _stupid_ he had the rest of his life ahead of him and there is no place in the outside world for a survivor.)

Maki says, "Don't quote me on any of this, I heard it all second hand. Apparently, Chabashira went to apologize for her recent behaviour, but Yumeno was too scared to properly respond… and Yonaga said that Chabashira would be better off dead."

"Oh god," Kaede whispers, tightening her grip around Saihara's hand, "Why would she-"

Maki shrugs, "It's just what I heard. Chabashira's in stable condition, but I don't think anyone is allowed to see her."

"I have to," he chokes out, "I need to see her. I can't just…"

Kaede whispers, "Saihara-kun, she's not-"

Saihara looks her in the eyes, and Kaede's gaze softens. She gently places her other hand on top of his, and presses his hand between her own.

At some point during all this, Maki leaves without saying goodbye.

* * *

Saihara storms through the compound after visiting Amami, looking for Angie and Himiko, (but mostly Angie.) Both of them are nowhere to be found, and Saihara wonders if they know what they did. He wonders if they have any idea what _horrid, horrid_ thing they've done.

Eventually, he finds them in the cafeteria, talking like nothing has changed, like they aren't responsible. Saihara angrily starts towards them, and stands above them menacingly, but finds out that he doesn't really know what to say besides 'What the _fuck?!'_

Angie waves when she sees him, "Shuuichi! How are you doing? Angie hasn't talked to you in a while!"

Himiko however, tenses and slams her eyes shut.

Saihara spits at Angie, "Do you have any idea what you've done?! Do you?!"

Angie blinks, "H-Huh? Shuuichi, Angie doesn't know what-"

"Like _hell_ you don't!" Saihara yells, slamming his fist down onto the table, "Tenko-san's back in the hospital because of what you said to her!"

Angie replies, "Angie doesn't care about- Hospital?"

Saihara hisses, "You told her that she was better off dead, and guess what? She listened! She could have _died_ , and it would have been all your fault!"

"Angie didn't think-"

"Didn't think?!" Saihara snarls, "Didn't _think?!_ You just about told her to _kill herself!_ What part of that were you not thinking about?!"

Angie's lip trembles. Tears flood her eyes, and she begins to cry. She grabs her hair and tugs on it, still crying her eyes out.

Himiko pulls Angie's sleeves back down to cover the fresh bandages on her wrists, and pushes her wheelchair out of the cafeteria as fast as she can. When they're gone, Saihara turns, still shaking with rage.

Gonta and Hoshi, who were sitting together at a small table, and Kirumi, who holds a shattered fragment of a teacup in one hand, all stare at him, eyes wide and jaws hanging open just a bit.

"What the hell are you looking at?!" Saihara screams at them, "WHAT?!"

He's suddenly aware of how heavy his breathing is, and the sickness churning in his stomach. He runs out before he can do anything else.

* * *

He hears a knock on his door later, and rises from his bed, tired and sore. He's expecting Kaede, or maybe Kaito, but both assumptions are wrong.

Kiibo's tablet lies on the floor, and Saihara looks around, wondering who left it there. The hallway is dead quiet. He picks up the tablet and goes back in his room, closing the door a little bit stronger than he'd intended.

Saihara clicks the tablet on, and Kiibo appears again, "Ah, Saihara-kun! It's good to see you."

He stares silently at the robot and then nods his head. Talking is too strenuous, all of a sudden.

Kiibo adds, "I've been busy helping the team lately. Even though the next season of _Dangan Ronpa_ has been officially cancelled, they want to minimize loss."

It _hurts_ to hear this, but Kiibo is a member of Team _Dangan Ronpa,_ Kiibo helped set things up, Kiibo is _one of them_ and Saihara hates it.

"Saihara-kun?" Kiibo says, jolting the black haired boy out of his thoughts, "You don't look so good."

Saihara grimaces, "S-Sorry. It's been a long day."

Kiibo replies, "Ah, of course. Chabashira-san is recovering well, if it helps rest your worries! I would allow you in to see her if I could, but I am restricted from-"

Saihara mumbles, "Whatever… She won't want to see anyone anyways."

Kiibo takes a moment to process the remark, "Is there something else on your mind?"

Saihara doesn't answer the question and instead asks one of his own, "Who brought the tablet here? I thought we agreed that it stayed in the cafeteria."

"It was agreed," Kiibo says, "As for your question, I'm not entirely sure. I've been in the hospital server until now."

Saihara turns the tablet around and pulls a yellow sticky note off the back. In messy handwriting is three words: ' _Angie is sorry.'_

He throws the tablet onto his bed, ignoring Kiibo's reaction, and shreds the note until it's unrecognizable on the floor.

"Saihara-kun!" Kiibo's voice is muffled by the mattress. He picks up the tablet slowly.

"Are you okay?"

He stares into the robot's concerned eyes for a moment, then begins to cry.

* * *

Miu Iruma is declared safe to visit about three days later.

Saihara holds off on visiting her, to give Gonta time to talk to her, and mostly because he doesn't feel up to talking to her. He never hated her in the simulation, per say, but she was difficult to be around.

When he finally drops in, he feels it's been too long.

Iruma is still strapped to her bed, but she wiggles excitedly at the sight of him, "Yo, Shyhara! What took you so long?"

"Hi, Iruma-san," he says quietly. Already, he feels tired.

Iruma smirks, "Heh… knew you couldn't stay away from me, you nasty fucker. You're almost as bad as Dekachin! He couldn't stop apologizing about some shit. Couldn't make heads or tails of it!"

Saihara tries not to shiver. He'd forgotten about the nickname she'd given Gonta. He tries to cover his tracks, "I figured more people would have come to see you-"

She scoffs, "They can't handle the greatness that is Miu Iruma! And there's what, six others who could come by?"

"I'm… sorry, come again?" Saihara asks.

Iruma laughs but it turns soon into a raspy cough, "That's forward, Shyhara! But I'm not up for you. Too much of a prude the rest of the time."

Saihara waits a moment, then says, "Why did you say that only six other people could visit you?"

Iruma shivers, "H-Hey! Don't get mad at me!"

"Iruma-san, please-"

She huffs, "Not counting you, me, and Dekachin, there's six others alive. What, you get stupid, Shyhara? You weren't much of a detective as it was, but fuck, this is some dumb bullshit on your part."

Everything grows fuzzy as she speaks. Saihara isn't sure how long he stands there after that, but he hears himself say, "I have to go," and his legs leave the room, but he doesn't order them to.

He doesn't remember how he gets there, but he absolutely ends up in a storage closet that smells like bleach and formaldehyde. At least, he thinks it's a storage closet. There's no light inside.

Saihara sits and his vision swims and he swears that the room is turning but he's in one place and oh god he's going to die here he's going to die like everyone else oh god oh god he could there's bleach he can smell it he could drink it and it would all be over but he can't can he can he can he?!

The closet door slides open, and Saihara slowly looks over. Hoshi hovers in the doorway, his face encompassed in shadow.

"The hell are you doing, Saihara?" he asks, stepping inside and sitting down across from him.

Saihara mumbles, "How did you find me…?"

Hoshi flicks open a lighter from his pocket, and the tiny flame illuminates the smaller boy's face just a bit, "You tore through the place while crying, and then flung open this closet. It would be hard to miss you."

Saihara rubs his temples, "I'm so tired. Everything is _happening_ and I'm not prepared. It was almost easier when we thought that nobody would ever wake up. …Sorry."

"Don't be," Hoshi snorts, "it's not like I have any will to live."

The closet goes quiet for a while. Hoshi's eyes gleam and Saihara hugs his knees to his chest.

"Hey, Saihara. Let me tell you something," Hoshi says.

Saihara looks up and locks eyes with him, "What?"

He moves the lighter to the side, "You remember that girl I told you about?"

Saihara nods. He vaguely remembers something like that from the simulation.

"Seia Kamio," Hoshi laments, "Manager of the tennis club at my old high school. She was real, funnily enough. They gave me a lot of fake crap, but I was allowed to keep her."

Saihara says, "And she…"

Hoshi takes a deep breath, "Died. Think it was a car accident. But before all that… we had a good thing, her and I. She didn't like me when we first met."

"Really?" Saihara croaks.

Hoshi nods, "Took time. Took some fighting. But she was a good person, underneath everything, and she sure as hell deserved better than me. That's not my point, though."

Saihara blinks, "Then what is?"

Hoshi says, "Listen to me. You do something where you pour all your energy into one person, and then it overflows, and you shatter. I'm amazed that you've been functioning at all for the past few days."

He rubs the back of his neck, "Am I… That bad?" Hearing Hoshi say it so plainly makes him feel cold and exposed.

"Yeah. But I was worse," Hoshi says, "When I lost Seia, I lost everything. It destroyed me, because I had nothing else to fall back on. And I can't let this happen to you too. So get up."

Saihara stares blankly, "Where are we going?"

Hoshi replies, "Group. You've been skipping for the past while, and it's not good for you. Plus, if we stay in here any longer, I'll choke."

Blearily, Saihara gets to his feet, and pushes his way out of the storage closet.

There are now two large tables pushed against each other in the meeting room. Saihara lowers himself into one of the chairs silently, and Hoshi settles down on his right.

People slowly file into the room, sitting down in various places. A few of them smile when they see him already there.

Angie pretends to be preoccupied with the armrests on her wheelchair when she spots him. Saihara tries to ignore her.

Eventually, the psychologist arrives, brandishing her clipboard, "Hello, everyone! Are we ready to start today?"

There's a series of nods all around, when suddenly the door swings open again. Saihara turns around in his seat, then freezes, and feels his mouth dry up.

Tsumugi Shirogane is standing in the doorway.

He tries to push away from the table, but Hoshi grabs his wrist and hisses, "Cut her a break. This is the first time she's shown up, ever."

His fingernails dig into the wood.

The psychologist says cheerfully, "Hello, Shirogane-san! It's wonderful to finally see you here."

Shirogane skitters over to the table, and slips in between Himiko and Gonta. She keeps her head down, and Saihara bits down on his lip so hard that it bleeds.

The psychologist pushes forward a plastic bowl filled with papers, "Written on each of these slips is a name. You're each going to pass the bowl around and take a name out, and then once everyone has one, you're going to give that person a genuine compliment!"

She hands the bowl to Saihara, who reaches in, grabs a slip, and then passes it to Hoshi. The name written on it is _Kirumi Toujou_ , and he feels relieved. He can do that.

After the bowl is passed around, the psychologist says, "Okay, let's begin! Akamatsu-san, you start!"

Kaede tenses, then says, "Er, Yonaga-san, you have an admirable sense of optimism."

Angie seems to glow, "Thank you, Kaede! That's so sweet!"

(his clothes are suffocating.)

"Hoshi-kun?"

Hoshi clears his throat, "Gokuhara is one of the bravest people I know."

Gonta brings a hand to his chest in surprise, "Thank you… I appreciate that."

The psychologist looks to him, and Saihara says, "Toujou-san, you're very caring and compassionate."

"That is very kind of you to say," Kirumi replies, a faint smile on her face.

Saihara nods vacantly, and his head pounds. He doesn't resurface until he hears his name again, and then his blood runs cold.

"Saihara-kun," Shirogane says, "I think that you would have made a wonderful Super High-School Level Survivor!"

He stares at her, a horrible pulsing feeling in his chest.

"Say 'thank you,' Saihara-kun," the psychologist says.

He pushes away from the desk and flees the room. Hoshi doesn't try to stop him this time.

* * *

After multiple security checks to ensure that he doesn't have anything dangerous with him, and the confiscation of his hat, Saihara is allowed to see Tenko.

The black haired girl sits on her bed, her hands tightly clasped together. When she sees him, her eyes instantly begin to water. There's a scar around her neck now, a prominent one.

He's been in her place before, been the one sitting uselessly on a bed, feeling heavy and light at the same time, with a self caused wound that would forever haunt him.

"Hi, Tenko-san," he says delicately, and her light tears become full blown sobs. When he sits down next to her, she throws her arms around him and hugs him close.

Under her breath, so quiet that Saihara believes he wasn't supposed to hear it, Tenko says, "I don't deserve you."

It's in that moment that he begins to cry too.

 **AN: Seia Kamio is Hoshi's girlfriend who's mentioned in his free time events! She was designed/named by my pal sou!**


	11. Mourning Glory

Physically, Iruma recovers amazingly quickly. She's out of the hospital within eight days, and is completely mobile upon her discharge date, unlike the others who often slept through the days after their release.

The rest of her is another story.

"You," Iruma drawls, looking Kirumi right in the eye.

"Me?" Kirumi asks nervously.

Iruma nods, "You. You died. I fucking saw you."

Kirumi shifts uncomfortably in her seat, "Yes, but I-"

"You too, Bakamatsu!" Iruma bangs her hand on the table, "How the hell did you live through that?"

Kaede bites her lip, then looks over towards Iruma. She says carefully, "It was all a virtual reality simulation. None of that really happened."

Saihara looks at her oddly. He and Kaede had been making more of an effort to hang out, especially after Tenko's rehospitalization, but something about her seems different now, and he wonders what she's thinking.

"But we went into a simulation during the game!" Iruma shouts, "So how the _fuck-"_

"I don't know!" Kaede shouts back, "I don't know anything, okay?!"

Iruma flinches and looks at her hands. Kirumi reaches out to give her shoulder a reassuring squeeze, then thinks better of it and pulls away.

The crayon that Kaede was holding sits in her palm, snapped in half. Saihara glances down at her drawing, and realizes that some of the more intense strokes may not have been as deliberate as he thought.

She shakily places the broken crayon on the table, then pushes out her chair and stands up. To Saihara, she hisses, "I'm going to my room. Don't follow me."

The three of them sit in awkward silence, Saihara now alone at his table, until Iruma pipes up, "Did Dekachin really kill me?"

Kirumi nods, "Yes, he did. I believe that he regrets it very much."

"He strangled you with toilet paper," Saihara adds weakly.

Iruma snorts, "Figures I'd go out like that." All of a sudden, she looks miserable.

Saihara puts the broken crayon back in the box.

* * *

Saihara's night is sleepless and uneasy. He tosses and turns for several hours at a time, but he never manages to actually rest.

He'll even take the dreams, even the nightmares, over this exhaustion. All it does is make him miserable.

At quarter to two in the morning, he kicks off his ripped sheets and sits up. Saihara takes his hat off of the bedpost, and pulls it onto his messy hair. No point in trying to sleep if all his bed is going to do is annoy him.

Saihara leaves his room and descends the metal stairs, his hand loosely gripping the railing. He follows the dark corridors to the barely lit cafeteria, then into the kitchen.

Kirumi stands inside at the sink, and turns to him in surprise when the door swings shut behind him. She holds her hands behind her back, trying to act natural, but she looks stressed.

"Are you washing dishes?" Saihara asks, looking at the plate that Kirumi is attempting to hide.

She sighs, and places the dish back on the counter, "Yes, I am. What are you doing up?"

Saihara blinks, "Toujou-san, it's two in the morning. I could ask you the same question."

Kirumi steps away from the sink, and walks around the counter in the centre of the room, "I'm just cleaning up. Is everything okay? Do you need something?"

"That's not your job- Toujou-san, are you okay?" Saihara states at her, moving so that he's on the opposite side of the counter as her.

Kirumi twirls a strand of hair around her finger, "Don't worry about me. I've been working to help Amami-san during the day, so that leaves me little time to do other things."

Saihara replies, "You didn't answer my question. I asked you if you were okay."

Kirumi grits her teeth, "Why do you care? You don't need to care about me!"

"Toujou-san?"

She slams her fist down on the wooden cutting board that sits on the counter, "Why do you _care_?! I don't deserve your attention!"

Saihara stares at her, unable to say anything. The bright LED kitchen lights are burning into his skin, and he wants to cry.

Kirumi meets his eyes slowly, "I want to be the Kirumi Toujou from the simulation. I want to be selfless, I want to be a leader… People admired me. I'm _useless_ as I am… I thought if I projected onto her, if I tried to take care of other people, then I could be better than the boring person I really am."

Saihara places a hand on her closed fist and leans over the counter, "You're not boring. Toujou-san, you're wonderful as you are."

She sighs, "I... hate thinking about the simulation. I never want to think about the terrible things I did at the end, but I want to really be that perfect maid. And I hate it."

Saihara responds kindly, "I understand. But eventually… you do have to think about it. We all have to face our past, even if it's a bit ugly."

Kirumi laughs, tilting her head back. Then, she stares at him with pained eyes, "Saihara-san, you're such a hypocrite. All you do is ignore the simulation! You refuse to talk about it, and you get physically upset when it's mentioned."

"That's different-"

"How?!" Kirumi asks, "How are you any different than the rest of us?!"

Saihara holds up his hands in defence, "Please, Toujou-san, I just-"

Kirumi cuts him off, "Why do _I_ have to look at what I did if you can just brush it off like it never happened?!"

Saihara flinches. He closes his eyes, clenches his fists, and whispers, "I'm scared. I'm scared of looking at the game and seeing how much better I was."

She softens, "Yeah… Yeah. That is the problem, isn't it? You like who you were better than who you are. You said it yourself, though. We all have to face our past, even if it's ugly."

Saihara nods. His eyes flicker open to meet Kirumi's gaze again, and he feels his eyes start to water. Before he can full blown sob - he's done that too many times in this kitchen already - Saihara wipes his eyes. He waits a moment, then asks, "Hey, Toujou-san? Can I ask why you're so close with Amami-kun? I don't remember you two being friends before."

Kirumi replies, "He… grew up in my neighbourhood. Sometimes I would see him and we would wave. I feel like I owe him now… I never stopped to talk to him and I should have."

Saihara says, "I see. In that case… don't lose him again. You deserve a close friendship."

Kirumi laughs bitterly, "Forgive me, Saihara-san, but I don't even deserve _you._ What makes you think that I would deserve someone as wonderful as him?"

He isn't sure who she's insulting more here: him or herself, but he quietly nods along as Kirumi's laughs turn into sobs.

* * *

He paces back and forth in front of the mahogany door. Saihara takes care not to step on the motivational doormat - who knew a novelty like that even existed? - that reads 'Make today ridiculously amazing!'

He bets that it's cursed. Wouldn't surprise him at this point.

Finally, Saihara works up the nerve to knock on the door. Beyond the heavy wood is the psychologist's personal office, where she conducts private sessions. He doubts that she's awake, though.

To his surprise, the door swings open, and on the other side stands the psychologist, her carrot orange hair sticking up in every direction.

"If it's a bad time-" Saihara starts.

She smiles, "No, no! Sorry, Saihara-kun, I wasn't expecting you so early. Or ever. I thought you didn't have an interest in private counselling?"

He replies, "A friend changed my mind."

She says, "Well! Good on them, then. Come in, I'll see what I have available today."

Saihara steps over the cursed welcome mat and settles himself down in a comfortable looking armchair. The psychologist tosses an Alka-Seltzer tablet into a glass of water, and violently turns the pages of her datebook.

"I'm booked up for most of today…" she says, "However, I could see you now, if that's okay. We can let out before you meet your doctor."

Saihara blinks, "How did you know I have to see my doctor?"

"Women's intuition," she replies, closing the door and sitting down across from him, "Now tell me, what did you come to talk about today?"

Saihara takes a deep breath, "The simulation."

The psychologist scribbles something down onto her clipboard, "Interesting. In the past, you always went out of your way to avoid bringing up the events of the killing game. I only watched it on television so I don't know what it was like. Would you care to tell me about it?"

Saihara nods, and looks her in the eye as he speaks, "It was _hell."_

* * *

Saihara just finishes tucking his sheets back onto his bed when he hears an awkward banging on his door. He stands, curious, then sidles over to the door and pulls it open. Instantly, he regrets it, but the muscles in his arms won't close the door again.

"Hi. Angie wants to talk to you," she says, looking up at him.

He hisses, "Go away."

Angie crosses her arms, "Please, Shuuichi. Angie really needs to do this. You're the only one who can help her?"

"What do you want?" he asks, glaring at her.

Angie says, "Angie wants to apologize to Tenko, but she needs your help. Tenko won't want to see Angie unless Angie comes with someone Tenko trusts, and Tenko trusts Shuuichi."

Saihara replies, "You want to apologize? Do you think you can make everything better by saying sorry?!"

Angie shakes her head, "Of course that can't make things all better, silly! But it's a start, and Kami-san says that it's always best to make the first move yourself!"

Saihara's first thought is to wonder if Angie really does believe in her Kami-san, or if she's just projecting onto the person from the simulation. He replies, "I don't owe you anything."

Angie says, "But… you do. Not _only_ did you scream at Angie in the cafeteria, she also talked to Kaede for you, back when Kaede first woke up."

"You remember that?"

"Angie never forgets."

He slams his eyes shut, then says, "Fine. But for Tenko-san's sake, not yours."

Angie beams, "Thank you, Shuuichi! Angie really appreciates your help."

He scowls and pushes past her.

Tenko's room is about halfway down the hall. Saihara knocks on the door a few times, then waits. She only just got moved back into it the night before, and is likely still settling in.

"C-Come in… it's unlocked," Tenko says, her voice wavering just a tad.

He pushes the door open slowly. Tenko is sitting on her bed, looking exhausted and miserable. Her room has been stripped of everything besides the mattress and the quilt, and her window has been barred twice over.

"Hi, Tenko-san," he says carefully.

She looks up at him and smiles weakly. There's a few bruises still on her face, but her scar is covered by a high necked nightgown. She waves, but her eyes seem glazed.

Saihara steps up to her and calmly asks, "I've brought someone else with me. Is that okay? If not, I can ask them to leave."

Tenko hunches her shoulders, "I… guess? I'm not really feeling very good, though…"

Saihara turns towards the doorway, and Angie carefully wheels herself in. As soon as Tenko sees her, the black haired girl flinches, then swiftly crawls backwards to the far end of her bed. With her back pressed against the wall and nowhere to hide, Tenko hides her head between her knees.

"Angie's here to apologize," the shorter girl says, "Is it okay if she does so?"

Tenko ignores her, and cries out, "How could you bring her here, Saihara-san? I don't… Tenko can't…!"

Saihara replies, "She insisted on this. I'm on your side, Tenko-san. If she tries anything, or if you want her to leave, I'll make _certain_ that she goes." He finishes this with a pointed glare at Angie.

Tenko sneaks a look at Angie over her knees, "Spit it out. And be quick, Tenko doesn't want to listen to you for any longer than she has to."

Angie says, "Angie would like to apologize for being so mean to Tenko. Specifically, she's very sorry about telling Tenko that she would be better off dead, because that's not true at all! Tenko is a good person… and she deserves to be happy!"

Tenko bites her lip, then says, "A-Are you finished?"

Angie nods, "Yep! Angie hopes this helps ease Tenko's spirit!"

"Okay…" Tenko says, "You should go, then."

Angie turns around carefully, then wheels out of the room. As soon as she's gone, Saihara shuts the door, and sits down next to Tenko.

"Are you…?"

Tenko sniffles and wipes her eyes, but tears continue to fall down her face. Saihara gently reaches out and places his arm over her shoulder. She leans against him and cries harder.

* * *

The news passes through the compound quickly, and Saihara soaks it all up because he's just as gossip starved as the rest of them. No magazines dated earlier than two years ago are allowed inside the compound, leading everyone to continue rereading the same articles covering the same scandals.

Of course, Korekiyo Shinguuji awakening from an eight and a half month coma isn't a scandal, but it almost feels like one. Saihara can't begin to think of him without feeling his skin crawl, much as he hates to admit it. Sure, there's the possibility that the real Shinguuji is a much better person than his in game persona, but there's no backing proof.

Still, that singular possibility is what brings Saihara to his hospital room on a late November afternoon, the tiny hope that the person inside is still good.

Shinguuji seems surprised at the sight of him, "S-Saihara-kun? I wasn't expecting you… or anyone."

Saihara shrugs, "I thought I should come see you. Are you, er, feeling well?"

"Not in the slightest, but what can I say?" Shinguuji replies, "I… I would like to apologize, though. I feel as if I wronged you before."

Saihara bites his lip, "Thank you." He takes a proper look at the man, and tries to ignore the itching in his skin. Shinguuji's hair has been chopped short, and it lies unevenly on the hospital bed. His face mask is gone as well, and faint stitches sit around his mouth.

"I know that you don't want to be here," Shinguuji adds, "You can leave. I won't feel bad."

"Sorry," Saihara says.

He leaves.

Saihara doesn't get much farther than the next hallway over when he runs into someone else, and stops in his tracks. Tenko stands in the centre of the corridor, her eyes hollow.

"Shinguuji-san," she murmurs.

"What about him?" Saihara asks, despite knowing exactly what she's about to say.

Tenko whispers hesitantly, "Did he… murder me?"

Saihara bites his lip, then nods, "He did."

Tenko shuts her eyes and quivers, "I remember… getting in the cage. And… and the floorboard…"

"That was him too," Saihara says slowly.

She croaks, "Am I allowed to hate him?"

Saihara looks at her for a long moment. He wants to tell her that it wouldn't be healthy to continue holding a grudge, that it would only sink her further, but then he thinks about Tsumugi Shirogane, and Saihara's heart catches in his throat.

"…Yeah. You are."

* * *

"Got any threes?"

"Go fish."

Kaito grumbles, but reaches down and picks up a card from the deck. He looks at it carefully, then sticks it into his fan.

Saihara looks down at his own, then asks, "Do you have any… eights?"

"Damn it!" Kaito says, before throwing two at Saihara's head.

Saihara carefully puts down a stack of eights, then says, "Do you have any tens?"

Kaito replies, "Go fish."

The game goes on for the next twenty minutes, until Kaito slams his hand on the floor, "Okay, Shuuichi! We know this is not why I told you I wanted to talk!"

Saihara says, "You're just mad that I'm winning."

"That too," Kaito admits, "but I really did want to talk to you. So… can we stop playing?"

Saihara places his cards down next to him on the floor, "Okay, sure. What is it?"

Kaito takes a deep breath, "I guess I… wanted to apologize, cause I feel like I've been ignoring you lately. I'm really sorry about that. I've been trying to patch things with Harumaki, but it's not going well."

Saihara blinks, "Harukawa-san? Did something happen?"

"Nah," Kaito says, "See, we talked about the game and worked out that we don't actually have feelings for each other, that it was just brainwashing. But see, I want to still be friends with her, and she's been avoiding talking to me. ...Sorry. I'm making it about that."

Saihara begins, "It's okay, I don't mind-"

Kaito cuts in, "Listen, Shuuichi. You're one of the best friends anyone could ever have. I'm lucky to have befriended you… and I don't want to lose that, okay?"

Saihara smiles, "You won't lose me, Momota-kun. I'll always be here for you… no matter what."

Kaito beams back, then asks, "Got any aces?"

Saihara picks up his deck and throws one over, trying to frown, but only succeeds in laughing.

* * *

The hatch to the roof is open, so naturally, Saihara ascends the ladder in the supply closet. It's only late afternoon, so the stars haven't begun to appear yet, but Saihara figures that the view will still be nice.

When he reaches the rooftop, he's hit in the face with an overwhelming heat, and a smell that is not the usual dust. Saihara pulls himself out of the hole and turns around, only to see Gonta hunched over an electric griddle, surrounded by pancakes.

"Uh," Saihara says intelligently.

Gonta grunts, "Long story short, the kitchen was busy, I wanted pancakes, and the utensils are too small for my giant hands."

Saihara walks over to him, and carefully sits down, "But why the roof?"

Gonta replies, "Figured it would be harder to start a fire up here. I'm not a great cook."

Saihara says, "I could help, if you wanted. I'm no Harumi Kurihara, but I can flip a pancake."

"Be my guest," Gonta says, passing him a spatula.

Saihara spends the next few minutes cooking the rest of the pancake batter that Gonta made. The pancakes seem to cook well, but Saihara can't be too sure. It's been a long time since he's cooked anything more difficult than plain toast, and an especially long time since he's made pancakes.

When they're finally all finished, Gonta unplugs the griddle and picks up the plate of pancakes, offering them to Saihara. He awkwardly takes one in his hand, trying to ignore how hot they are, and takes a bite at the same time Gonta does. He chews it for a second, then spits it out violently.

"I think I just ate rubber," Saihara mumbles, looking at the rest of the pancake in disgust.

Gonta shrugs, and passively takes another bite of his own, "Like I said, I'm not a great cook."

Saihara turns his head, and looks out into the distance. From the roof, the view expands for miles, until the blurred mountains stop him from looking any farther. The barren desert is almost chilling to look at. There's no signs of life, sans the occasional cactus.

"I'm scared of the real world," Saihara says quietly, "We've been here for so long… I hardly remember what it's like."

Gonta nods, "Sometimes I wish that we didn't have to go back to it… but I'd rather die than stay here."

They stay on the roof for a while after that.

* * *

The courtyard is mostly shadows. As the orange sunset begins fading into darkness, Saihara walks across the stony ground, and looks for a place to sit down.

The rocks that surround the flowerbeds are still warm, and Saihara carefully lowers himself onto one of them. He's tired, he's just so tired. When did life get like this? He hasn't felt so passively suicidal in a long time, but right now, he feels like if he were to be suddenly stabbed, he'd accept it.

"What's up, motherfucker?"

"Gah!" Saihara leaps to his feet and looks around, to see Iruma sitting on top of a nearby trellis.

She jumps down, and seats herself on the flowerbed that he was sitting on moments before. He carefully returns to the spot, unsure of what to do now.

Iruma says, "I said, 'what's up?' You don't look very hunkydory, Shyhara."

"Hunkydory?" Saihara repeats, raising an eyebrow.

Iruma replies, "I'm trying out new vocabulary! I… want to sound smarter. I'm not the fucking Super High-School Level Inventor anymore, so if I don't have _proof_ that I'm a genius, I have to act like one."

Saihara wants to tell her that outdated slang won't help her case, but he understands where she's coming from. So many of his insecurities in the killing game about his detective skill were rooted in his complete and utter lack of self-esteem in the real world.

Iruma adds, "I know that none of you liked me. Or even like me now. I'm the same shitty person I was before… I just don't have the confidence from the game. I've _tried_ to fake it, but…"

Saihara whispers, "Iruma-san…"

"Save it, Shyhara," she mutters, "I know that you don't really mean it."

Saihara goes silent after that, having no idea what to say in response, because Iruma is at least a little bit right. He stays with her as the moon rises over the courtyard, until she gets up and walks away.

* * *

Shirogane doesn't show her face at the therapy session. However, Tenko, Amami, and Iruma make their first appearances, all three looking rather worse for wear.

Saihara sits through the first few minutes, mindlessly rubbing his hands over the edge of the table. He doesn't focus again until the psychologist asks her first question.

"Why don't we have a little check in? Since we've got some new arrivals today, it might be nice to see how we're all doing," she says, almost cheerfully, "Who wants to start?"

Everyone avoids meeting her eyes, until Amami pipes up, "Sure, I might as well."

The psychologist replies, "Wonderful! How would you rate your week, Amami-kun?"

Amami shrugs, "Uh… I guess it's a five or a six? It hasn't been abysmal or anything, but I feel like crap all the time, and my memories are still really foggy. I know like, half of the people in here by name, and if I tried to list them off, I'd probably be wrong."

Kirumi says gently, "You could try. I'm sure you know more than you think."

Amami smiles, "Thanks… I'm not up to embarrassing myself, though. Let's see… I'm trying to remember things about the last season. I remember dying, but that's about it."

Kaede flinches, and looks down at her hands.

"I don't know if this counts, but," Amami continues, "every time I close my eyes, I see the people from the past games dying, and I can't do anything to stop it. Sorry, that's probably not what any of you wanted to hear."

The psychologist blinks a few times, looking uncomfortable. She clears her throat, then says, "Oh! Ah, well, it will get better with time. Who wants to go next?"

Nobody moves a muscle.

"Come on, anyone?" she asks. Everyone avoids making eye contact with her, and she sighs, "Fine. In that case, I've got some worksheets for you all. They're about dealing with anxiety!"

She passes a stack of papers down each side of the table, and Saihara takes one, then passes them on. He examines the sheet, and feels himself deflate a little bit. Right down to the smiling cartoon felt markers, it's the exact same worksheet he'd received at age fifteen, when he attended his first group therapy session.

Saihara's fingers tighten around the paper. He doesn't like thinking about that hospital.

The psychologist says, "We'll go over this paper together, and use the strategies described to help you deal with your anxious feelings. I understand that most of you are nervous about returning to your families."

He bites down on his lip. All he wants to do is get out of this room.

* * *

"Spades," Hoshi says, placing an eight on the deck.

Kaito curses under his breath, then picks up another card. Saihara looks at his own hand carefully. He has a few spades, but not many, and the others are losing cards at a very quick rate. He wonders if he can maybe change the suit to diamonds, and buy him a few more rounds, when Amami smacks down a card onto the pile.

"I win," he says.

Outrage ensues. Saihara drops his cards at the same time that Maki swears violently. Iruma shouts, "I was going to win on my turn!" while Kaede says, "Good game, everyone!" and is drowned out by Kaito slamming his fists against the table.

The ruckus continues for a bit longer as Amami smiles, when Kiibo's tablet flickers on at the end of the table. Nine heads turn at almost the same time, as Kiibo smiles.

"Hello, everyone!" he chirps, "You'll never believe the news!"

Gonta asks, "They're letting our families visit?"

Kirumi chimes in, "We get to go home?"

Kiibo's smile flickers off his face, "W-Well, no. The news is that Ouma-kun is awake!"

Maki, Kaito, Iruma, and Gonta all flinch at once. Saihara bites his lip and looks at his lap.

Kiibo continues, "The doctors are calling it a medical miracle! He wasn't expected to awaken at all, so this is really wonderful!"

Of course it's _good._ But Saihara isn't entirely sure how to feel about it. He doesn't hate Ouma, far from it, but his stomach is twisting just thinking about him. What can he even say that won't make the others feel uncomfortable?

He settles for silence, and promises himself that he'll visit Ouma when he can.

Saihara remains in the cafeteria long after everyone else leaves, and works up the nerve to go speak to Kiibo. When he finally does turn on the tablet, the robot waves at him happily.

"Hi, Kiibo-kun," Saihara rasps. His voice feels hard and dry.

Kiibo beeps back cheerfully, "Saihara-kun! How are you doing?"

He shrugs. It's the best answer he can give.

Kiibo responds, "Ah… Well, that's understandable! Did you have something you wanted to talk about?"

Saihara says carefully, "About Ouma-kun… How is he doing?"

Kiibo's expression flickers with uncertainty, "He's… stable. For the time being, at least. As far as the doctors can tell, Ouma-kun is paralyzed from the shoulders down, due to the extreme trauma that his avatar went through."

Saihara closes his eyes. His chest heaves, and he feels his stomach pulse uncomfortably. He waits a moment, then asks, "Do you know when he'll be allowed visitors?"

Kiibo replies, "Ah… Ouma-kun has currently requested for no visitors. But if he changes his mind, you'll be the first to know! Is… is there anything you want to say in particular? I could pass on a message for you!"

Saihara thinks hard on this. He has so many things he wants to say to Ouma, but he doesn't know how to make them make sense. Finally, he says, "Tell him… that I'm glad I met him."

Kiibo nods, "I will!"

Saihara leans back in his seat. It's only two in the afternoon, but he feels like he could sleep for another lifetime.

* * *

He runs into Kaede in the hallway on the top floor. He waves at her, and she responds in the same manner, her movements a bit stiff. She keeps her eyes trained on the floor, and Saihara moves away, assuming that she doesn't want to talk.

"S-Saihara-kun? Wait!"

He turns to face her, feeling his heart leap a little in his chest, "Yeah? Is everything okay?"

Kaede squeezes her closed fists, "I… really need to talk to you. Can we go somewhere… private?"

Saihara nods, "Uh, sure. There's our rooms, we could to go the roof-"

Kaede points to a nearby storage closet, "That'll do. Please, it's really important."

Saihara stares into her soft purple eyes, unsure of what to say. He doesn't know what she wants, or even what he should do. He hesitates a moment, biting the inside of his lip, unsure of himself. The one thing he knows for certain is that he would trust Kaede Akamatsu with his _life._

He enters the storage closet.

Kaede follows him inside, pushes past him, and pulls a string that illuminates a singular light bulb, just above their heads. Saihara closes the door to the closet, and stares at her silently. He's about to ask what she wants to talk about, when she suddenly sniffles.

"Akamatsu-san? Are you crying?"

Kaede wipes her eyes and nods slowly, "Yeah. Saihara-kun… we need to talk about the simulation. I've been holding things in for what I thought was your sake… but it's really been for mine."

Saihara replies gently, "It's okay… we can talk about it. If it's about Amami-kun again, I promise you, you weren't at fault for-"

Kaede shakes her head, "It's not about Amami-kun. It's about you."

"M-Me?" Saihara blinks.

He hadn't been feeling entirely up to talking about the simulation as it was, but this just makes his heart seize up in his chest cavity. Even after talking to the psychologist about it, the simulation was still something that Saihara tried to avoid thinking of at all costs. He looks at Kaede, who is teary eyed once more, and is avoiding meeting his gaze.

"I feel like I've been using you. You care so much about me, and I feel _bad_ because I know I don't deserve it," Kaede whispers, hugging her arms to her chest, "I keep putting on this facade to act like the cheerful, _good_ person from the simulation, but I'm not her! I'll _never_ be her and I hate that. I want to be the person that you loved so much… and I can't."

Saihara feels his mouth dry up. His jaw hangs open, but no words will come out of his mouth. What does he say to something like that? His heart has beat out of his chest at this point, and is rising up his throat, as if it'll pour out of his mouth like a waterfall.

He murmurs, "Akamatsu-san… I told you, I like you _better_ because I know-"

She shakes her head, "You don't know me, Saihara-kun. You don't know me at all. I've been pretending to be the Super High-School Level Pianist just about the entire time since I woke up, because I want to be her more than anything. I've been lying to you."

"Akamatsu-san, I-"

"What's my favourite colour?" she responds, "Do you know what my favourite song is? Could you even tell me when my birthday is?"

Saihara knows that the answers to these questions are purple, Mozart's Piano Concerto Fifteen, and March twenty-sixth, but he finds himself unable to say anything. And, as he realizes after the thought passes, that information all comes from the simulation.

He bites his tongue.

"I don't know if this should continue this… this 'us.' I've tried really hard because I really do care about you, but something about it all feels wrong," Kaede continues, her voice gravelly, "I like you much better now that I know the real you, but… I think that part of it comes from me liking you in the simulation. And the simulation… it wasn't real."

Quietly, so quiet that Kaede doesn't hear him, Saihara says, "It felt real to me."

Kaede says, "I'm sorry. Thank you for listening to me. I'm… going to go now." With that, she pushes past him, leaving Saihara alone in the closet.

If this had been a movie, or hell, the _simulation,_ Saihara would have reached out and grabbed her hand, and he would have _begged_ her to stay. But he knows that this isn't a movie. It's not even a game anymore.

He doesn't realize that he's begun to cry until the tears roll down his cheek and onto his neck.

* * *

For whatever reason, Saihara is woken up by a Team _Dangan Ronpa_ employee at exactly seven in the morning, then dragged into a lobby that he hadn't been allowed inside before.

Everyone else is there too, even Shinguuji - who has kept to himself ever since his release - and Ouma - who still hasn't been discharged, on account of the fact that he can scarcely move.

Kaede is there. Saihara averts his eyes at the sight of her, not wanting her to see him staring.

Nobody is really doing or saying anything, so Saihara crosses the room, and sits down next to Ouma, who's been seated in a wheelchair similar to Angie's. Neither of them do anything for a moment, before Saihara murmurs, "Hi."

Ouma coughs, "H-Hi, Saihara-chan. I got your message… thank you. I haven't really been feeling well enough to see anyone."

"It's okay," Saihara responds, "Are you doing any better?"

He laughs bitterly, "I wish. No… I still feel awful. But I do feel a little bit better than before, knowing that you care."

Care is a strong word, but Saihara doesn't say that aloud. What he does is say, "You're welcome. What do you suppose they've gathered us here for?"

"I have no idea," Ouma replies.

They sit there a while longer as tension builds in the room, when one of the team members approaches a heavily barred door and enters something into a panel. The door clicks and slides open, revealing a sea of people on the other side.

Chaos ensues. Saihara tries to move from where he's positioned himself, but he finds himself glued to his spot as two little kids and an old woman race up to Hoshi and catch him in a hug. More and more people come in - Gonta is swept off his feet by a man even bigger than he is, Iruma is being held by a crying boy with the same hair as her, Himiko is sobbing at the sight of a tall woman holding a cat, Amami looks like he's going to be crushed by the girls embracing him, and Shinguuji awkwardly shakes hands with a woman who looks like she's a little bit dead inside - but Saihara keeps glancing through the crowd.

"S-Shuuichi!" a familiar voice calls out, and Saihara instantly bursts into tears as he hugs his uncle, feeling like he'll never let go, not ever.

Of course, he does. He's still crying when he lets go, but Saihara thinks that it's the first time that he's cried tears of happiness, rather than despair. It's been about a year, but it feels like forever since he's seen his uncle.

He doesn't have any idea what to say, but he's smiling, smiling so hard that his face hurts, and somehow, that makes everything feel okay.

"Um… Excuse me? Can anyone help me?"

Saihara turns towards the door to see a bespectacled middle aged woman with long brown hair. She's nervously clutching a handbag, and looking around the room.

"I'm looking for my daughter," the woman says, "Tsumugi Shirogane. Is… is she here?"

Saihara shudders, and his uncle places a protective hand on his shoulder. He hadn't even noticed that Shirogane was missing, and as much as he'd like to deny it, he knows exactly why too.

"She's probably in her room. I can take you there."

Saihara sees Maki walk up to Shirogane's mother, and he glances around the room again. Kaede is chatting with an older man and a girl who looks just like her, Tenko is being hugged by a lady who must be at least ninety, Kaito is crying while a woman with lavender hair braids gently pats his back, a very old man is ruffling Kirumi's hair, and Angie is smiling brightly at a crying little girl. Even Ouma has a visitor. A man in a clown suit, no less, but birds of a feather flock together, Saihara supposes.

Maki Harukawa is the only one that nobody has come for.

The black haired girl takes Shirogane's mother out of the room, and Saihara looks back at his uncle. The man has a few tears running down his face, and Saihara reaches up to wipe his eyes.

His uncle hugs him again, and for as long as the hug lasts, all is right in the world.

* * *

The last group therapy meeting isn't even a therapy meeting, but it's held in the same old meeting room, so it feels like one. The grandfather clock ticks in the corner, the newly planted peace lily is blooming, and a fresh, identical motivational posted has been plastered on top of the faded one.

Tenko settles down on Saihara's immediate left, despite the lack of space, the second that she spots Shinguuji on the far side of the table. Not everyone has arrived yet, but he's grateful for Tenko's presence, because Shirogane is sitting on Gonta's right again.

Suddenly, Shinguuji gets to his feet, "Um, excuse me, everyone. I know that we're not all here yet… but I wanted to make a most sincere apology to Chabashira-san and Yonaga-san. I realize that I heartlessly murdered the both of you whilst in the simulation… and I feel awful about it. I was made into a disgusting person. I'm very sorry."

Angie beams, and leans over the table to wave at him, "Don't worry about it! Angie forgives you!"

Tenko grips Saihara's wrist tightly and hisses, "I don't."

The door bangs open, and in comes Kaito, wheeling Ouma along. Behind him is Iruma, then the psychologist. Kaito wheels Ouma up next to Angie, then walks around the table and sits between Hoshi and Kaede, while Iruma squeezes in between Maki and Shinguuji.

The psychologist says, "Hello everyone! Please give a warm welcome to Shinguuji-kun and Ouma-kun, as they haven't been able to attend any sessions yet!"

There's a few muted claps, but nothing more, until Angie says, "Kokichi! We can be wheelchair buddies!"

She holds up her hand to high five him, but Ouma replies sheepishly, "I can't move my arms."

Angie settles for gently patting the side of his face.

The psychologist looks down at her clipboard, "Now… as you all may have noticed, there are two envelopes in front of you."

Sure enough, there's two manilla envelopes with his name on the table.

"One of those contains the prize money that you've earned for participating on the final season of _Dangan Ronpa._ Harukawa-san, Saihara-kun, and Yumeno-san recieve the most as they won, but you all have received a rather generous amount."

Saihara feels his face flush a bit, and hopes nobody is staring.

"What about the other one?" Gonta asks.

The psychologist purses her lips, "That… is an offer to officially become a member of Team _Dangan Ronpa."_

Everyone goes silent, until Iruma voices what Saihara is thinking, "Are you out of your fucking mind? Why the _hell_ would we agree to that shit?"

"It's a guaranteed job offer," the psychologist replies, "Survivors of the show become outcasts in the real world. This is a one time offer to join our team, so think on this carefully."

"Fuck you," Iruma says, "I'm taking my money and leaving. My brother and I are gonna move to the country, and buy a horse."

At least she seems to have a concrete plan for what she's going to do with the rest of her life. Saihara has one idea, but he feels uncomfortable thinking about it.

Most of the others respond with sentiments similar to Iruma's. However, when Maki speaks, Saihara's blood runs cold.

"I'll join the team."

"Excellent!" the psychologist says, scribbling Maki's name on her clipboard, "Anyone else?"

Nobody moves besides Maki, who tucks her envelopes away. Saihara wants to protest to her, but then he remembers visiting day, and how she had nobody to meet. He looks at his hands instead of speaking.

The psychologist continues, "Moving on… who has plans for what they're going to do after they get out? Iruma-san has already… expressed her views. Do any of you know what you'll be up to?"

Amami raises his hand, "I'm going to be moving in with Kirumi-san. We'll figure out more once we get an apartment, or something."

Angie jumps in, "Angie is going to go back to Hawaii with her family! We're all going to have a big reunion!"

Gonta shrugs, "I think I'll reconnect with some old friends… assuming they still care about me."

"Tenko will be heading home with her aunt and grandmother," Tenko says slowly, "After that? Not sure."

Saihara speaks up next, "I'm going to write a book."

The psychologist looks at him nervously, "A book?"

"A mystery novel," Saihara lies, "I've always liked writing stories. Maybe I can actually finish this one."

She relaxes, "I see! Who else wants to… Ouma-kun?"

Ouma replies, "I have absolutely no idea."

Shirogane politely raises her hand, "Er, I'm going-"

The psychologist laughs, and Shirogane's face falls, "I hope you don't mind if I you skip you, Shirogane-san! I mean, since we all know that you'll be here with Team _Dangan Ronpa!_ "

"Y-Yeah," Shirogane says weakly, looking uncomfortable, "I'll be here."

For the first, and probably the _last_ time, Saihara feels sorry for her, and a deep and treacherous part of him wants to know what she planned to say.

"Who else?"

* * *

Saihara stands in the lobby again, waiting for the employees to release the doors. He's a bit nervous about leaving, but at the same time, he's excited. He can't wait to leave this place for good.

Tenko pouts from beside him, "Tenko still can't believe that she's going to be here for an extra few days!"

"Can your aunt really not fly in yet?" Saihara asks.

She shakes her head, "And Tenko's not allowed to leave on her own… something about Tenko being a 'risk.'"

Saihara bites his lip, "That's really too bad. We'll have to stay in contact though, okay? You're a good friend, and I want to keep talking to you?"

Tenko smiles, "You're never getting rid of me."

They sit for a bit, then Saihara stands up, and walks over to Maki. She's been awkwardly leaning against a wall the entire time, as if she's going to be leaving too. She has an official 'Team _Dangan Ronpa'_ security clearance tag draped around her neck.

"Hey, Saihara," she says quietly.

"Hi," he replies, "Are you really staying, Harukawa-san?"

Maki nods, "What can I say? It was an enticing offer."

Saihara shrugs, "I just… didn't really see you as the type to start working for these people."

"I was awful in the game, Saihara. I want to be better," Maki replies, "I told you this once before, but I would go through another one of those killing games, and without much persuasion. It's not like I have anything out there to live for anyways. Nobody is going to miss me. And… maybe I can find something meaningful in this place."

Saihara almost misses Maki's split second glance towards Shirogane, who is standing off to the side and looking at her feet, but part of him wishes that he had.

He nods silently. Maybe it's better like this.

Maki adds, "Do something good out there."

"I… will," he responds, then drifts away towards the others.

As he gets to the crowd, Hoshi says, "Ey, Saihara. How are you feeling?"

Saihara shrugs. Hoshi is holding a bag, and keeps glancing down at it every couple of seconds. It suddenly moves, and Hoshi zips it open a little bit more. Saihara can just see Yorick's eyes gleaming.

Hoshi adds, "You'd better stay in touch, okay? You're one of the only people here that I know really well, and I'd rather not lose contact."

Saihara replies, "I'll email you."

"Good," Hoshi grins, "Live a good life. Find something out there that's worth it… I know that's what I'm after. See you around."

He waves his hand, leaving Saihara in the midst of the others again. He's about to look for someone else to talk to, when he feels a tap on his shoulder.

"Are you really going to write a mystery novel?" Kaede asks.

Saihara looks at her for a long moment, "I thought you didn't want to talk anymore."

"I do… I just felt bad. I'm sorry," Kaede mumbles.

Saihara replies, "You don't have anything to apologize for. And uh… I may have lied. It's going to be about the game, and the fallout of it."

Kaede rubs her neck, "Oh! Well… That's a really good idea. I see why you didn't want to say that at the meeting, though."

"Y-Yeah…"

Kaede drags her foot on the floor. Saihara finds himself looking away. Why does it have to end like this? ...He doesn't want it to end like this.

"I'll visit," Kaede says, "And we can talk on Skype, or something."

"Or something," Saihara says. He can't tell if she really wants to, or if she's pitying him. He isn't entirely sure which option is preferable.

Luckily, the door open before he has to dwell on it much longer. Saihara races out as fast as he can, and blinks a little bit as the hot sun rains down on his face. He can see his uncle standing just outside the gates, leaning against his battered old truck.

He takes a step towards it, when Kaede grabs his hand, and he spins around. She presses a purple envelope into his hands, then says, "Open this if you finish that book. G-Goodbye, Saihara-kun. Thank you for everything."

He looks into her hesitant eyes, then folds his fingers around the envelope, "I will. Goodbye, Akamatsu-san. I…wish you the best."

Suddenly, she leans forward and hugs him. Then she lets go, biting her lip, "Sorry. I didn't mean to… Sorry."

Saihara smiles faintly, "It's okay. Bye."

He runs towards his uncle, willing himself not to look back, because he knows he'll cry if he does. He climbs into his uncle's truck, and the man gets into the driver's side, and starts the ignition. As the truck begins driving away, Saihara lets himself looks back at the compound for the last time. He can still see the others, who are little more than brightly coloured dots in a sea of brown dirt.

As gravel crunches underneath the tires, his uncle says, "Hey, Shuuichi. I'm very proud of you."

Saihara turns the envelope Kaede gave him over in his hand, "Why?"

"You're still here," his uncle replies smoothly.

A tear drips onto the envelope.

"Thank you, uncle."

They don't speak for the rest of the drive home.


End file.
